When you lose your identity in a relationship

Love can make us do great things and love can make us do harmful things. One of the commonly witnessed phenomena is one of the partners trying to change completely just to keep their partner happy and in the process losing their identity.

Effect? You lose connection with yourself. How can a person who is not connected with self can achieve a genuine connection with anyone else? The connection with the partner is buried under the pressure of keeping them happy. The very relationship for which you were giving up yourself is the worst sufferer. 

1. People get attracted towards each other for certain reasons. The reasons are always based on how we are different from others. When we lose our uniqueness our partners often start losing interest in us. They cannot understand why it is happening because subconsciously they believe they have made you change for good, but they do lose interest.
2. When we are constantly wanting to please our partner and ready to go to any extent to please them, we stop respecting and loving ourselves.
3. We lose confidence in ourselves and do not believe that there is anything good about us. That is when we become insecure about the relationship and become clingy and irritable. Clinginess is the enemy of love. It puts people off much faster than anything else.

What we need to understand is that true love does not demand anything, least of all to change ourselves. True love is about accepting the other person as they are and loving them for it. So when our partner starts constantly criticizing everything about us all the time, suggesting or even forcing us to change our ways, it is a warning sign that love is already lost and now it is more about power games and control.

Your partner can be aggressive about you changing everything about yourself or can be a subtle controller where he/ she keeps pushing you to change and compromise under the guise of love.

But love does not demand. They can suggest. Partners in love can always suggest what they think can be good for their partner, but it has to be left up to them if they want to change or not. If your partner threatens to break up over your resistance to change or to get you to do what they want then it is a clear warning sign of a doomed relationship.

That is why before getting into a relationship or whenever we get some awareness we need to spend time to understand ourselves- good and bad both. If we are aware about ourselves we will be aware if our partner is unnecessarily trying to change things like our friendships, our hobbies, our relationships with our parents and family, our choice of career or even the way we dress and speak.

Be open if a genuine partner has a genuine suggestion. Being rigid doesn’t help. But be smart enough to know the difference between a genuine partner and a control freak.

The first step is to have an open communication with your partner about what you perceive and experience, A genuine partner would be open and accepting and even work on themselves. 

But remember it is okay to walk away when still not married, even if you are formally engaged, if you can see the signs because things become very messy once you are married.

If you believe this can help someone, do share. To connect with Dr. Sapna Sharma for Relationship Counseling WhatsApp on 8446229088 from wherever you are in the world.

Social Media and Relationships

Recently I came across a case in my counseling practice where a young mother of a 5 year old met someone on a popular social media and was ready to sacrifice everything of importance to continue a relationship with this new- found friend.

This is just one of the many instances when social media is adversely affecting our relationships. Too many people are getting into relationships only because they have spent hours together on some app chatting their heart out. What exactly is happening here.

The topic is a bit complicated as too many aspects of life are involved here.

1. Most people in this millennium are experiencing loneliness due to lack of social adjustment and hence are trying to find solace in a virtual world where there is no direct confrontation.
2. Many digital media users are portraying an unreal image of an ideal, movie hero/ heroine like image that is in fact their alter ego
3. Because of the changing structure of the society the closeness of family members is reducing as everyone is looking for personal space. This gives almost everyone to indulge in idle chats with random strangers and with known people
4. When online with a person who doesn’t know us well and there is no common agenda to deal with, both the parties are at their best talking about life, philosophy, love, high values, stories of victimization etc that attracts the other person
5. Even for married couples such chats and talks are intoxicating as every heart craves romance but somehow after a relationship is formalized the romance seems to dissolve very fast. The challenges of running a family tugs at their coupledom and hence they are easily influenced when someone else can look at them as an individual who has emotional needs.

Due to some or all of these factors:

1. People get in Quick relationships without even knowing the person well.
2. Many are cheating on their partners in the lure of something that appears good from a distance
3. Many are being cheated on 
4. Couples are projecting unreal expectations on their partner looking at the near perfect couple pictures and videos of others
5. What was once seen on the silver screen is easy for anyone to replicate and many people are posting unreal images and messages with their spouses that is leading others to wonder what is wrong with their own relationship thus causing great dissatisfaction. 

Thus indiscreet use of social media is creating pressure on many couples. Believing that others have picture perfect relationships as depicted on social media, people are desperately trying to keep up a happy image of a happy family. This prevents them from sharing their issues even with close friends and family thus leading to many serious issues related to mental, emotional and spiritual health.

Social media is good. It is helping us to connect with our near and dear ones. Covid-19 lockdown without means of video and audio calls is unimaginable. However, we need to be very-very careful- whom we connect with, how much do we know about the real them, with awareness that very little of what is portrayed on social media is real. Most of it is made up. We need to make our kids aware of this from an early age. 

Relationships are personal. Any connection that happens without knowing the other person very well is a sign of heart- break. Let's keep the two separate- Relationships and social media.

If you believe this can help someone, do share. To connect with me for Relationship Counseling WhatsApp on 8446229088 from wherever you are in the world.

Want A Good Relationship? Prioritize Your Spouse/Partner

The title may seem very simple or lame. Isn’t it the simple and the lame things that are catching us off guard these days? So let us start with the simplest or the most difficult question of your life- “What is the place of your spouse or your long term partner in your life?”

Please do not dismiss the question by saying ‘of course he/she is the most important one”. Don’t do that. Take your time. There are very few occasions in life today when we get an opportunity to analyze and understand ourselves. Most of the time we are knee deep immersed into scrutinizing and objectifying others and their lives they have put for display on social media.

So what is actually the place of your partner in your life? If you want some help with that question, ask yourself another one, “during my normal day or week how many times do I prioritize him/her over my other interests aka friends, drinks, clubs, Netflix series, kids, parents? 

Take your time and look back over your past week. Please do not get defensive by saying something like, “It is easier for her to say, I have such important work to do” or “I do everything for my partner, all my work at office is for her/ I keep the house well and take care of kids and family for him what more needs to be done” If we are not allowed to hide behind those excuses, we can try to look at the situation directly. 

These questions would make you uncomfortable, not because you do not know the answer, in fact exactly opposite. You know the answer and that is the answer that we try and avoid as much as possible. Precisely that is the answer I suggest you look into. 

This is how it happens with most relationships. Over the period of time we avoid putting efforts into the relationship. Not that we do not want the warmth of that relationship, but we subconsciously expect our partner to put in all the efforts into keeping the flame alive. Since we do not wish to do the hard work we, like an expert learn to hide behind excuses like, “I am so busy with office/ house work, I get so tired, Can't leave the kids alone for a minute, If I do not sit with them personally the kids do not study at all, I need to stay updated with the news (For what?) After all the days at work I deserve to have my space and time…” the list of excuses is endless.

But the fact is very few of us actually work so much that there is no time left for love and our partner. If you do not believe me, over the next one week observe yourself on:

1. The time you are doing actual work
2. The time you spend scrolling thru the WhatsApp university
3. The time you spend watching Netflix or any other entertainment
4. The time you spend reading gossips in news papers
5. The time you spend chatting on various social media
6. And whatever else you do during the day
   
   

For once be truthful to yourself. Do not tell anyone that you are doing this, so you do not have to share anything with anyone. This is just for our self- awareness.

The thing is, the spelling of love is not LOVE it is actually TIME. It doesn’t mean you have to give up your interests and hobbies and be with each other in all of your free time. The quest is to become aware of how much we are consciously prioritizing our partner.

Love, fondness, communication grows with togetherness. If time is only spent on the so-called essentials of life, be prepared to sacrifice your relationship. But remember, the relationship is the only thing that stays with you once you are retired and your children are out of your house and your parents are not around. That is when friends also thin out and the only person that can be with you is your partner. If you have been prioritizing each other all your life, the later days would be a great time to spend together. Otherwise be warned, many couples start falling apart once the kids are out of the house as they have nothing to keep them together anymore.

If you believe this can help someone, do share. To connect with me for relationship counseling, send WhatsApp message on 8446229088 from wherever you are in the world.

The Magic of Holding Hands

Relationships are pretty intriguing. Passionate to start with, confusing to manage and painful to lose. As we move through trying to understand the reasons behind the pain and the confusion, here is what I see- In the beginning we fall for someone special because we focus on the very small things about them. We love their laughter, their carefree nature, the dimple on their cheek, the way they flick their hair and the small things that others have failed to notice or did not find anything special. And we do a lot of small things. We buy them flowers, chocolate, gifts, we sit with them, we talk, we smile and laugh at the smallest of their jokes, we sit silently with them, look into their eyes, hold hands for hours, compliment even the smallest things about each other and just be on the phone even when there is nothing much left to speak for the day. The small things that we try to convince others that they are good enough for us to live our entire life with.

And then the relationship happens and things start changing, rather I would say, we start changing. For some odd reasons we start believing that life is all about doing the big things, the so called significant things, the so called important things- like earning money, reading everything from the newspaper, cooking, replacing the grocery, bringing up the children, sending them to bigger and bigger and more expensive institutes, buying a house and then buying another one, one car, the bigger model and then the expensive brand. All seems very-very important.

You would argue that these are important in life. I agree. But what we miss is that these are not the only important things in life. While going through this motion of life, most of us complain of feeling lonely, unhappy, anxious. Our relationships start going for a toss and then we complain about that too.

The tragedy is, we knew how to be happy. We were happy and kind of ecstatic at a point in life, and then at some point of time we decided that those things that made us really happy were not important. At least, we believe, they are not important anymore. We start to look for happiness in our next paycheck, next car, next return on our investments, our child’s next report card…

All of these next’s come and go and after maybe a bout of pleasure we are back to the baseline with our complaints and incompleteness.

Unfortunately, while we were worrying for the child’s results we forgot to hold our partner’s hand to find solace and strength. While we were anxious about the late payment of our loans we overlooked the biggest source of comfort right next to us, the warm hug with our partner. While we cribbed about being sidelined for the due promotion, we missed the great incentive of looking mischievously or lovingly into our partners eyes.

I often come across couples in counseling who blame each other for not being loving enough, not giving time, not sharing hugs, never complimenting their efforts at making the family work. And I find myself thinking, ‘when both of them need the same why are they not doing it?’ Sadly when I ask them if they do spend time with each other they say, “There is no time for such silly things!!”

Big things in life are responsibilities. We all have them. But small things are what makes us feel needed, loved, cherished and the small things like simply holding hands gives us the reason and strength to go through another day with contentment and bliss.

When did you hold hands with your partner last?

If you believe this can help someone, do share. To connect with me for relationship counseling, send WhatsApp message on 8446229088 from wherever you are in the world.