Stay Away from Heartache - Read How!!!

Read this quote somewhere “FOR SALE- One heart, horrible condition, will take anything for it, Just cut it out of my chest and end this suffering” Many of us have experienced it, almost always after relationships that we cherish have gone sore- Relationships with our lovers, life partners, children and friends. It hurts I know, but does the heart have to suffer so much?

What is it with us and the relationships? We give birth to children but forget that they would grow up to be individuals with their own opinions and choices. We get attracted to someone and expect they should be all that we expect of them. We make friends and want them to like all that we like. Do we ever realize that by doing so we practically expect that “I and only I know the best and should be able to dictate all terms in every relationship?”

Dr. Sapna Sharma Speaks About Stay Away from Heartache

I know many cases of domestic violence and abuse. Interestingly, the heart doesn’t ache in those cases. What the victim is looking for is a relief in the relationship. The heart aches when we are in non-abusive relationships but things are not going the way we want or expect.

There are three ways of looking at it:

1. We need to look within and ask if we are being fair by expecting so much in a relationship. If this is the case then we are responsible for our heartache, not them. This is applicable even in a parent child relationship. The parent needs to know that their role is to nurture and protect the child till they are not adults. Also that by the time children finish education and are responsible they are adults and individuals and they have equal rights to make decisions on their life including where they live, whom they choose as partners and what kind of lifestyle they would like to live. Many parents overstep their roles as parents and believe that they can dictate their terms on the life of their children just because they have borne them, leading to a lifetime of heartache for both the parents and their children.
2. If our partners, children, lovers or friends are being unreasonable over and over and not ready to understand what is hurting us, we have the right to make our choices. Believing that we do not have a choice and continuing to blame the others, again we are the ones responsible for our heat aches.
3. We need to accept that relationships are fallible. Simply because there are two or more people involved, all with different personalities, purpose and mental and emotional make up. When we put the conditions that our relationships SHOULD work even when we see so many relationships falling apart, we are inviting heartache of our own making.

Time heals everything, provided we choose to heal and not to keep our pain ruminating.

Are you hurting? Analyze yourself and feel free to share with me in the comment box below. If you wish to discuss something that is personal to you, let us know and we can connect.

How to Live a Happy Life - Take Responsibility of your Own Happiness

One of the phrases that is heard around frequently is “I don’t know”.  Reference? Every time you ask someone, “ What do you think is the problem?” or “Where did you go wrong?” or “How can you fix the problem?” 

Of course the ‘I don’t know’ is mostly preceded by “He/She/ They are responsible and should change to make my life better”

Sounds familiar? If you are sure you do not fall in this category then either you are lying big time to yourself or you have evolved. Which one is you?

Let me explain a little further. 35 years old Radha comes to me to share how she is unhappy because of certain behavior of her mother in law. When I ask her what has she done till now to ensure her own happiness she says, “What can I do? My mother in law is not reasonable and my husband does not want to speak with her on this topic.” I probe her further, “What do you really want in this situation?” and again the answer goes, “I want my mother in law to change.” “What if she doesn’t want to change? What do you want then?” “Then I don’t know, I guess my life will always be this messy” She replies in despair. 

Manu is similar. According to him his boss is making his life miserable. What does he want? He wants his boss to change or to have a new boss! What if neither is to happen? “I don’t know, what can I do?”

Now you see? We are all looking for a happy, trouble free, great life but almost always we want someone else to take the responsibility. We can blame and complain as long as we can show the other person to be the culprit. But the moment the fingers are pointed to us, we turn our back and shrug our shoulders saying, “I don’t know, what can I do.”

Why do we do that? Now responsibility brings the need to take action, which puts me out of my comfort zone. It is a whole lot of hard work and going out of way to assume responsibility and to work towards changing my surroundings and myself. We want to avoid that as much as possible. As students we study only when the exams are very-very close. As grown ups, we pay our bills almost on the deadlines. You see the pattern? We do not want to take any action unless it is life or death situation. 

However, if you are willing to take the responsibility and the first step even once you will realize there is not just happiness, but exhilaration in every small action taken on our will with the determination to get a better life for ourselves. And trust me, it is not that difficult. It is just a matter of accepting and taking the first step. 

Do share your journey and challenges with me in the comment box below. If you wish to discuss something that is personal to you, let us know and we can connect.

How to Communicate Better with your Partner!!

Do you filter thoughts and words before speaking to your partner?

Relationships have many dimensions. The most important being the fact that two different persons have come together with some intentions. In personal relationships it is mostly love or attraction that brings people together. 

Attraction doesn’t essentially mean compatibility. We might like something about the other person. Some get attracted to the physical appearance; some to the personality while some others are attracted to the talents. That is more or less how it starts. Our attractions bring us together. We meet, we share our best and we meet more. Both put their best foot forward because we want to please the other person into believing that we are the best ones for them too. 

During this period if we do not like anything we keep patience and either shrug it off as a small thing or politely try to convey our feelings. Interestingly the other person is more than willing to tender an apology. We are ready to take late night calls and willing too much out of way to fulfill the other person’s smallest wish. We do not feel tired, or sleepy and neither are we hesitant on spending time or money to ensure they are happy.  And this is all good but the trouble starts when we start walking on egg- shells around the most important person in our life.

We start it as a loving gesture to ensure that we do not upset our love interest. And so we use our words carefully. This may be okay for a short-term relationship but for something that you wish to be taken to the next level this can be a warning sign. If you have been only using the words that would make them feel good out of fear of upsetting them, then you have set a dangerous trend. 

To understand if you are in a compatible relationship that is fair to both of you one of the checkpoints is to ask yourself, “Are we both able to express our thoughts and feelings without the fear of upsetting or losing each other and have a healthy feeling about this sharing?” If at any point of time the answer to this question is ‘No’ then take that as a warning and know that it is time to discuss your or your partners fears.

If they are not open then getting into couple counseling with a third, non judgmental person would be the next best step. 

And if you feel you are constantly in fear of hurting or losing your partner and that you choose every word and action carefully around them, and they are not ready or discuss or opt for counseling then know that you are living on the thin line. Sooner or later you would break down. 

People do not change just because you wish them to change. Recognize that this is a problem area and take the essential step and share with me in the comment box below. If you wish to discuss something that is personal to you, do let us know and we can connect.

Causes of Unhappiness in a Relationship

So there are relationships that have obvious problems like abusive partner, lack of money or incompatibility. If your relationship does not have any of these issues and yet you are constantly criticizing your partner or expecting them to change then this article is for you.

 

When two people enter a relationship there are a few things that they have liked about each other and yet there is so much that cannot be known unless we start spending a lot of time of the day together or get into a commitment. The initial days are always like a whirlwind where nothing and nobody seems to matter more than the person in interest.

 

However the first thing that happens in a committed relationship is that both or at least one of the partners gets secure about the relationship and they turn their attention back to the other essentials like education or job or hobbies and also feel comfortable to re establish their other relationships with friends and family. Also there is less need to impress the partner and hence the wooing and demonstration of affection lessens.

 

The initial attraction too eases in and it is often at this stage that many relationships see a game play of disappointments and blaming. In the absence of obvious reasons for the dissatisfaction of the partner the one who is blamed is often perplexed. It is here that we need to reexamine our side of the relationship. Is it based on knowing and loving the real person or on the idea of love and of an ideal partner?

 

Growing up we have developed our own perceptions of love, romance, marriage and togetherness. Some of our ideas are based on what we have experienced in our closest surroundings and a lot comes from what the world is trying to show us in person and via the media. We have consciously and subconsciously gathered all the information on the way and interpreted it in our own unique way. We imagine how our partner should be and we have dreams of romantic love and ideal marriage.

 

Interestingly our reality hardly fits into our ideas. But the trouble starts when we desperately try to match what we have with what we have imagined. It is the picture in our mind of how it is all supposed to be that messes with our mind.

 

Do examine yourself. The solution: Find the golden mean. First acknowledge and appreciate what you have and then see if you can bring in your half of romance and love into the relationship. Every time you feel disappointment, do examine yourself and once more appreciate what you already have and share with me in the comment box below. If you wish to discuss something that is personal to you, let us know and we can connect.

How to Deal with Trust Issues in Relationships?

Came across this interesting word on the web PISTANTHROPHOBIA. Yes it is an actual word and its meaning is,

Fear of trusting people due to past experiences with relationships gone bad.

The very fact that they had to invent a name for this condition is proof of its widespread presence. As a counselor I frequently come across various presentations of this condition.

When we put trust in someone and they are not able to keep up to it, it certainly makes difficult for us to trust another for some time. That is normal and perhaps good for self- preservation. However, the problem starts when we are not able to let go of our past experiences and our trust issues begin to affect our present or prospective relationships.

For some it is difficult even to meet new people and they might just close themselves up. For others, though they may enter new relationships they are not able to trust their new partners. In either case they end up feeling hurt and lonely. Those who do enter new relationships are often filled with suspicion. Their partners find it very difficult to cope up with their frequent allegations and snooping on them. Both the partners are suffering in their own way.

It is essential to work on the pain of breakup and betrayal before entering a new relationship. Unresolved issues make it very difficult to move on or maintain a healthy relationship. Breakup when shocking, especially as a result of cheating, can be traumatic. I recommend a proper trauma counseling when the heart is too shaken.

Moving into life with the trauma of betrayal unattended can affect all aspects of one’s life. But shit happens. Get help. Because, life is worth happiness and being in love- again.

Explore yourself and share with me in the comment box below. If you wish to discuss something that is personal to you, let us know and we can connect.

What are the Obstacles to Career Planning and how to Overcome Them?

Careers seem to be one of the most important rather vital ingredients of living. As early as
the age of 3-5 years, the parents and elders begin talking to the child about his/her career desires. The child may not be totally aware of the gravity of the topic, but even then he contributes enthusiastically in the discussion. The parents have their own ambitions for this child’s career and start putting away funds for a future date.

And so it is really surprising that most students even today just stumble into a career and many of these continue with a career for life that they do not find a connection with. As adults we often come across people who go through their everyday work life with a sense of burden and compulsion and find no joy in their work of life. I have come across many adults who are financially successful but harbor the regret that if they had the awareness in their student life, they would have chosen some other career line for themselves.

As counselor I counsel many students who are not able to cope up with the demands of a course they have chosen. There are many who are desperate to drop their study courses half way. When such a situation arises, there is a lot at stake. From the time the choice of the study course is made not only the student, but the entire family invests financially, mentally, physically and emotionally in the career. By the time the student comes to me they are already lacking 2/3 years behind their colleagues. They lose a substantial amount of confidence in this process of trial and error and some arrive in a real state of depression.

Further in life, if the chosen career does not fall in line with the aptitude and interest of the individual, he/she cannot find the enthusiasm to devout to the work. In the absence of personal interest and involvement, any work is a mere compulsion. It is then carried out like a duty and no extra efforts are put into it. Work is generally a Monday morning disaster and it is performed as a punishment. With such an attitude no person can make extra contribution to the work and obviously the returns and progress is restricted.

Why people choosing wrong careers?

In this fast and competitive world where a person is identified with his/her career, it is not worth to land up with a wrong choice. The cost of a wrong choice is high and not always easily correctable. Hence, it is essential to understand the reasons why we end up with wrong careers so that we can avoid the same for us and our dear ones while there is still time.

1. Lack of information
2. Desire for the security of the tried and tested
3. Popularity ranking of career options
4. Glamour of certain institutes
5. Peer pressure
6. Lure of ‘the in thing’
7. Attachment of parent’s personal ‘ego’ and ‘status’ to a child’s career
8. Insistence of the parent to force the child to follow the parents footsteps

There can be several more individualized reasons for the making of a wrong career choice. But the outcome is almost the same- a lost student unable to cope up with study demands growing up to be a dissatisfied adult not enjoying life.

How to avoid wrong career choice

Careers are the mainstay of our life where most other factors come to revolve round it. A person who is not satisfied with his/her nature of work/ pace of growth/ opportunities and challenges offered/ lifestyle pattern cannot derive the much needed satisfaction and growth out of the work. The career becomes one of the biggest drags of life. And since careers take the centre stage for us, people lose interest in other facets of life. Their families are the first to suffer the brunt of their frustration and life becomes one long chore.

Today we live in an era where career options are innumerable. Technology brings information galore to our door steps. There are hundreds of government and non- government scholarships that can bring every career option within our reach. The only need is to understand the individual and match him/her to a career of choice. I recommend the following steps to ensure a matching choice of career:

1. Perform a thorough self analysis
2. Match the attributes of a self to the demands of a career
3. Take the help of a career counselor to get aptitude and personality testing
4. Consult teachers/ guides to understand yourself and your shortlisted career options
5. Interview experts in your field of choice to understand the course of progression
and demands and disappointments of the job.
6. If possible spend time in the relevant work place of your future career choice to get
first hand feel. Eg. In CA’s office, Software development firm, Doctors clinics and OR
etc.

All this may seem to be too much of work. But understand this is about your life. It is not about the course you are about to join. It is fun to join a course or institute with friends and for its glamour, however that period of studies is only for about 2 to 6 years in most cases. But those few years would open the path to the next 40-60 years of your life and that is huge. A few days spent in making an informed career choice can be the best investment you can ever make.

How to Make the Right Choice of Institute

What to study, where to study and how to study is always a challenging question.
Education industry is growing by leaps and bounds bringing multitudes of options to us.
This is a boon to the students of today as it offers a choice and option for the best. However the competition among the Educational institutes means huge amount of marketing activity. The target of this marketing activity is us, the students and parents of these students.

Unfortunately the scope of the marketing stretches to glamorizing the individual products that are sold. These products are the courses that are offered by these institutes. Since the options for the students are vast, the individual institutes have to go out of their way to impress about what they have to offer. In the process, lots of facts are covered up by layers of glamour. For example- Many institutes resort to highlighting their air-conditioned study halls and provision of laptops to their students. Factors like these hold tremendous attraction for students at that tender age.

In my counseling centre parents approach me with a stubborn child who insists on joining a particular institute for reasons of glamour. Often when I ask these students about what is so good about this institute, they are not able to quote anything more than the glamorous ads they had read. To my surprise when I talk about the courses offered, these students are naively ignorant and yet not interested in the details of the course curriculum.

To my dismay many institutes that boast of state of the art infrastructure do not believe in investing in human resources and severely lack trained and experienced staff. I would like the leave the institutes to their fate as they are mostly in the fray of the business. However that leaves a tremendous responsibility on the students and the parents to choose an institute that caters to their requirement of learning and developing a satisfactory career for themselves and their children.

How to choose the correct institute:

To shortlist the suitability of the institute for your-self, ask the following questions:

1. Are the combinations of subjects offered right for you?
2. What type of degree is it?
3. Does it improve your chances of following your chosen career?
4. Will it be recognized by employers or educational organizations in the country
where you plan to take employment or higher education?
5. What are the options within the subject? 
6. What are the teaching methods? Will it solve your purpose?
7. What kind of teaching staff does the institute have at the time of your admission?
8. Are the classes conducted regularly with regular assessments?
9. How is the degree program assessed? Who is the assessing /verifying body?
10. Does the institute offer any scholarship?
11. Do they have hostel/ boarding facilities?
12. What is the placement strategy?

To get the current and authentic answers to your questions the following steps can be most helpful:

1. Refer to at least 3-4 authentic sources that compare college and institutes on the basis of various factors. There are many website on the internet. One has to remember that there is always a personal bias and many a times these comparisons are not complete.  

2. Talk to the current students of the concerned institutes- None but the students who are currently studying in the institute can give you the correct information about the quality of faculty and efficacy of education in that institute. Past students may give some details but remember that education is a dynamic phenomenon and faculty and administrators keep changing which may change the key essentials.

3. Study the prospectus of each institute in your list in depth. There are many important points about placement and scholarships etc that are mentioned in fine print and need to be questioned in time.

Most of all try to remove all influence from friends and marketing agencies to work on the selection process with as minimal bias as possible. All said and done you cannot be over careful about this selection process. Howsoever time consuming and tedious this may sound remember that this is going to ensure that the place you take your education is worth your time, money and investment of dreams.