Talking about Sex in Relationships

Sex, one of the important ingredients of adult love relationship, is one of the least talked about aspect of love. Taboos, social restrictions, personal awkwardness, gender based prejudices and ignorance- one or more of these are the often-sighted reasons. However, interestingly, many people who regularly indulge in sexual activities also are not comfortable in talking about it. 

Of course these are personal choices, but in a committed relationship like marriage or live-in when the couple is not comfortable in talking about this important ingredient of love, there are often major dissatisfaction observed in their relationships.

In conservative societies Sex is a taboo subject and to circumvent the problems arising out of it, the whole need to talk is buried under the cute pretext of “Our culture does not permit it”.  That may have had its relevance a decade back but today, when sex is no longer a closet issue of the married, not talking about it is increasingly creating many other problems in the relationships. 

About 2 decade back sex was majorly a male interest and what ever they understood or did was considered to be the normal. However today the women have started exploring their sexuality and are very vocal about their needs and satisfaction. It is observed that under these circumstances many women are reaching out to relationship counselors and sexologists about non- performance or disinterest of their spouses or boyfriends in sex, an aspect that was totally kept under wraps just a few years ago.

It is important to understand that with most people exploring sex before marriage it is no longer a hush-hush thing. Rather, in the absence of proper knowledge and understanding many couples are deprived of the beauty of mutually satisfying sex. 

In my counseling practice I come across many couples that approach for some issues in the relationship. When I ask about the sex and intimacy almost all of them have one or the other issue in this area. Mostly, one of them has either not been interested in sex since the beginning or they have lost interest very soon into the marriage. The other partner has been forced to accept it as they have found it more difficult to talk about it among themselves or to an expert. 

Most of these couples have never talked about each other’s preferences, likes, dislikes etc. regarding sex. They have had sex, they have borne children but the awkwardness about talking has always been there. 

I believe it is high time that we need to start talking about this very important aspect of our life. Sex with a willing partner with love and romance can be the ultimate of pleasures provided, both are able to participate with confidence and desire. This can happen only when it is openly talked about between the couple. As a society and parents we need to start talking with our children at the right time, and at least before they are married off. This is our responsibility.  Both genders need to understand the difference between the male and female sexuality, needs and responses in order to experience the beauty. 

If not comfortable, do not hesitate to approach a counselor or sexologist.

Do you Blame your Partner for your Unhappiness?

What is the biggest killer of any relationship? 

Not having personal space. I do not mean physical space. Space in terms of a time zone when we can be with ourselves and having a mental space where we can be ourselves and not living in relation to others.

The concept of love, as most of us understand, is in many ways binding. It is popularly believed that once we have the love of our life, we can stop looking out for ourselves. We feel good being with each other but then we want that feel good to occupy all of our life. We find more and more reasons to be together and the rest of the time we want to be wrapped in the thought of our muse or be on phone either talking or chatting with ... you know who.

No problem with this. It is a nice feeling to begin with. I know that. But the problem starts when in order to be with our loved one, physically or mentally, we take all our attention from ourselves. Eventually, when the initial spike of passion starts coming down, at least one of us has to be involved in daily chores and we spend less and less time with each other, we begin to feel a sudden emptiness within. 

Often this is when the drama begins. We blame our partner for not being the same person they used to be in the initial courtship period. We feel neglected and cheated on while they start feeling nagged and distrusted. That’s how the relationship starts to deteriorate.

But it doesn’t have to be this way. Only if we can recognize ours and our partner’s need for being ourselves, we would not be giving up our entire self thus sacrificing our favorite activities, meeting other people we like to be with, mentally getting oriented around only one person. 

To be in a healthy relationship with each other, both the partners need to be in a great relationship with themselves. We need to value ourselves individually. We can be one with our partner when together, but then we are really two different people with needs more than to love and to be loved. We have mental, emotional, physical, social and spiritual needs. To live a happy and contented life we need to strive towards satisfying all of these needs from time to time. In order to achieve that we need to spend time with ourselves, contemplating, learning, practicing and participating. When we are working towards fulfillment of our needs we do not have the need to blame our partner for not giving us all the time they have or not ensuring our happiness.

Finally, Each one is responsible for their happiness. And only two happy and stable individuals can make a wonderful satisfying relationship. 

Don’t try to Bring up Children the Way You Were Brought Up

I want to share one question frequently asked by many parents today.

Q. I am always in fear that my 15 year old son should not get addicted to something wrong and should not be emotionally attached to any girl

I need  your guidance on pocket money making them responsible and to become a good personality

A. Let us deal with both the issues separately.

Attachment to girl: Well that is nature. The attraction between the two sexes is natural and whether we want it or not sooner or later it is bound to happen. Of course, as parents we want it to be as late as possible but that is not something we can control. However, it is important to know that children are too young to handle such attachments and frequently end up disturbed, lost and distracted from studies. So they need guidance. When parents react too sharply to such attachments children learn not to share and hide their problems. This is of concern because in that case they will turn to their friends for advice which can be detrimental. IT is very important to be friends with your children at this age. Joke with them about which girl they like, etc. so that if and when that time comes they should be able to share with you easily. If they share then you can talk to them that this is okay but they have to remember that other things are also important in life and as long as they continue to be as dedicated to studies and restrained in their physical interactions with maturity you are with them. 

Drugs: Certainly a cause of concern today. Children are known to experiment. Especially as they enter college after class 10 when they suddenly get a lot of freedom and money. Remember that children will not like it but it is essential to monitor them till at least they graduate.

About Pocket money- Give them the bare minimum. Even if they fight and quote that the others are getting more. Visit their tuition classes regularly again even if they do not like. When my daughter went to another city for her graduation i laid three rules:

1. I can video call her any time and she has to receive it, If she does not, I will know that she is up to no good. She hated it but i did it anyway. 

2.  I will land anytime in her city and without warning take her for drug test for her own good. If she is not doing it, she should not be irritated by it.

3. If she needed additional money, she would have to earn it. So even when we could easily afford a hefty Pocket money, we provided the minimum essential and she has been taking up home tuition's since last 1st year  earning about 10K. This brought in a sense of responsibility as she was responsible for the results of her students. She started respecting money and saving, She was proud that she was the only one among her peers who brought her phone on her own.

I implemented all of these strictly and if she faltered the consequences were explained to her very clearly- She would be brought back to Home city and even if she did not wish to study after that we had no problem.

Giving them responsibility and holding them responsible for their life is very important to protect children from themselves. 

REMEMBER: Children do not like rules, restrictions and discipline. When you implement these there would be a lot of resistance, they would blame you and compare to other parents in an attempt to black mail you. You have to remember what is more important- the child's' life and future or her feelings for you and what people will say. 

Our children are growing up in a world that is very different from ours. To help them be better people for better life we need to first understand their environment and influences. We need to develop the bond where in the children feel free to discuss anything. But at the same time, we need to maintain our clarity on basic disciplinary rules  and state clear consequences of disregard to them. The bigger task then would be to implement the rules that have been laid down.

Remember children need consistency. If you keep becoming lax about your own rules, they will learn how to manipulate you.

Finally, do not try to bring up the children the way you were brought up. Their world is different. Take two-step forward into their world and they will be willing to take two- steps back.

For further specific discussion I am available for counseling for my clients across the world. Do get in touch with me or leave your remarks and feedback.

What you do in a Relationship - Dominate or Connect?

Why people always trying to change others? Many relationships that start with admiring and falling in love with many traits of the other eventually proceed to one or both partners trying to force change the other. Sometimes it is only about the things that also affect you like, household decisions, sharing of workload, money management, etc. but many other times we see one person desperately trying to control every small choice the partner makes.

First question here is, “If you do not like most things about them, why are you even in a relationship? Are you sure you are with the right person? Are you sure you are not trying to convert your present partner into the idea of a partner that you had been cherishing in your mind?”

And the bigger question is, “Forget about your partner, even are you happy in this relationship where you are always pointing out mistakes of your partner, demeaning them, leaving them in a bad mood or ending up in bitter fights?”

What do we look for in a relationship? As I understand relationships are a choice and not compulsion. So we choose to get into a relationship because we believe that it makes us happy. However, when we start to get too demanding in the relationship and try to push our ways and decisions in everything, it is we who also end up blaming the partner for all the unhappiness.

I believe we all need to adopt a simple principle of “living a happy life”. And we need to develop a habit of reminding ourselves repeatedly of this principle. If we shift our focus from ‘changing’ and ‘improving’ our partner to ‘living a happy life’, we would be able to let go of our compulsions and let our partner live the way they wish to. I believe only two people who are happy with themselves can be happy with their partners.

It is not very difficult either. If you believe the behavior or habits of your partner are too disturbing or destructive for your peace and happiness then do mention it to them, but instead of forcing them to change give them a choice. People often respond more positively to choices. While forcing often makes people defensive and rebel. This is even applicable to our children.

Many parents keep on cribbing after their grown up children or daughters in law, but their entire efforts are into wanting to change the newer generation to think and behave according to the parents. Hardly are they willing to let the children know that, “you are now grown up and can take care of yourself. Since, we do not see eye to eye on many aspects of life instead of making it a mess let us live in separate spaces”. No Sir. Parents won’t do that but keep pushing the others to change to suit their comfort.

Happiness is a choice. Relationships are a choice, to fight or not is a choice. It is smart to choose happiness and harmony with some differences than to choose to make everyone’s life miserable in continuous attempts to trying to change the others.

What is Love that is Without Respect?

How does one describe love? I read this somewhere. “Love is a variety of feelings, emotions, and attitude… The basic meaning of  love is to feel more than liking towards someone”.

Now to like someone we need to admire something about them and that means we respect something about them. I do not think we can truly like someone whom we do not respect. When like changes to love, others feelings may be added to it- admiration, attraction, sexual attraction, etc, but the basic requirement has to be respect.

In the absence of respect, that which we describe as love, can be merely physical attraction. 

However, most of the time when we believe we are falling in love, we are merely attracted towards a few things about that person. Sometimes the attraction is simply a result of constant association. Especially these days because of the multiple social interaction platforms we tend to be connected with some people almost the entire day extending into late nights. The interaction may start with office work or exchange of class notes, but eventually turns to more personal note sharing. Sharing of intimate details, pains, losses and challenges prompts reciprocation in the form of admiration, empathizing and extension of support - which we are all craving for - the feeling is overwhelming and overpowering. The heart craves to be with that person more and more. And we end up calling it love- most of the time without even knowing the person well. 

And just like that we decide that we want to be together. The person seems to be our dream come true. And all this while we are blissfully unaware that while we have been dreaming of our prince charming or lady love, we have hardly paid any attention to who we are and what we really need. Hardly anyone ever talks of the basic human need to be respected and the fact that it is very difficult to be in the company of a person whom we can not respect. 

Can there really be love in the absence of respect? I think today when most people are fleeting from one failed relationship to another, it is high time that we give a thought to this.

What kind of person I want to be with and how do I wish to be treated? That is basic I believe. Forget about respecting the other person, just think you would be really happy if the other person is highly attracted to your body, likes to do the small little romantic things when they are in a good mood but do not even as much flinch before showering you with insults the moment something goes wrong? How does the scene sound to you? It is your question, not mine.

Think of it. A beautiful face, attractive body, fat bank balance, flattering words, gifts and flowers may sound attractive, but do you really believe there can be true love in the absence of mutual respect. 

# Do wait to see if the person respects you and to confirm that you respect them before making a commitment.

TIME is the Key Factor in all Types of Love Relationships

Many young adults and youngsters meeting me for counseling for various reasons make a sad statement, “No one loves me”. Initially I would be surprised as I believe all parents and partners love their children and partners unless proved otherwise. Then why does an entire generation is  living in a feeling of deprival of love?

Then I started discussing this with parents without quoting their children, and things started to unfold. Almost all parents said, “We give them everything, we have never said no for anything, even if it is difficult we ensure that we make it possible for them” or something similar. And interestingly when I asked them how much time do you spend exclusively with your child everyday or on a weekly basis, most of them did not have any clear answer and the conversation would end with their mumbling something like, “Everything is for them, we have to work so hard, I take care of the household, I ensure he gets to eat on time, I take care of his clothes and everything, I, I, I…”

Similar responses I have also been getting from spouses.

Today I ask one simple question to you, “remember the day you fell in love or got married or simply fancied a particular person? Did you not feel like spending a lot of time with them or even the entire day? In fact even after seeing them for long hours, did you not try to connect on the phone late into the night? And what would have happened if you had not given enough time or paid exclusive attention to your love interest?” Well I am sure you had a lot to do even back then, but you put everything on hold- studies, sometimes college or even work, it did not bother you that you were lagging behind at studies or avoiding spending time with your parents.

If you can relate with the above questions then perhaps I do not have to explain that when you love someone you do feel like spending a lot of time with them. I am not saying all the time but certainly a lot of time. And having accepted that, is it so difficult to understand that buying things or earning a livelihood or providing expensive education or one yearly vacation is not enough to let the other person know that you love them? 

Love is not spelled as L.O.V.E it is spelled as T.I.M.E

When someone takes efforts to spend time for you then you can perceive that this person is genuinely interested in you and loves you and wants to be with you. If not then it is natural to start doubting your love.

Many parents especially fathers complain about their grown up children that “They are only interested in my money and not me”. Well have you ensured that you have conveyed it to them that it is my responsibility to provide a good life to you so I spend money, but I am genuinely interested in you and so I want to spend time with you. That it does not matter how busy I am, I will always go out of way to ensure that I spend time with you and I love our time together.”

To be felt loved, Love needs to be expressed. Spending money or going out to work and saying that you are doing it for the family, does not automatically convey that you love them. 

Understand The Role of ‘OTHERS’ in a Marriage Or Relationship

Guess what? Everyone other than you two is the ‘other’ in a relationship. You heard me right. When I say everyone, I mean everyone- your parents, relatives, close friends and even your children- all of them are the ‘others’.

A family may be about so many people but Marriage is about the couple. Interestingly the Indian understanding of Marriage is –Now your life is over, you have to start living for everyone else. And once the kids were born it is almost considered to be a sin to even think of having some good alone time with your spouse.

Result? Many, in fact the majority of couples lose intimacy and connect even before it is completely formed. And once you have had children- the whole concept of coupledom goes for a toss!

Does it have to be this way? Why are we not able to see the simplest fact that if we are not able to be a great couple that is happy to be together, everything else becomes drudgery. Even the children, for whom you believe that you are sacrificing your intimacy, start feeling the pinch of the loveless marriage.

To make things worse, we have started bringing our best friends who may be of either sexes, into the relationship. Young girls believe that being modern they are entitled to keep close friendships with boys other than their partner. Often quoting the trump card of being modern, they reject any concern expressed by the parents or friends and absolutely attack any display of envy or uneasiness by their partner. Often the deepest secrets shared with the partner are also shared with these special friends and any picture clicked to share with the partner simultaneously finds a way to the friend’s whatsapp. There are many complications of such triangles that can be seen everywhere.

The sanctity of an intimate relationship has to be rebuilt. We need to realize that the strength of any family is supported on the strong pillar that both the partners make together. Some of the others are important, yet not more important than the couple. If we can be strong, happy and contented as a couple only then is it possible to extend the love, care and support to the others.

To maintain the sanctity and serenity of the relationship is the responsibility of both the partners. If we cannot overcome our temptations to over indulge our friends, children and parents, there is no way the relationship can be nourished.