Want A Good Relationship? Prioritize Your Spouse/Partner

The title may seem very simple or lame. Isn’t it the simple and the lame things that are catching us off guard these days? So let us start with the simplest or the most difficult question of your life- “What is the place of your spouse or your long term partner in your life?”

Please do not dismiss the question by saying ‘of course he/she is the most important one”. Don’t do that. Take your time. There are very few occasions in life today when we get an opportunity to analyze and understand ourselves. Most of the time we are knee deep immersed into scrutinizing and objectifying others and their lives they have put for display on social media.

So what is actually the place of your partner in your life? If you want some help with that question, ask yourself another one, “during my normal day or week how many times do I prioritize him/her over my other interests aka friends, drinks, clubs, Netflix series, kids, parents? 

Take your time and look back over your past week. Please do not get defensive by saying something like, “It is easier for her to say, I have such important work to do” or “I do everything for my partner, all my work at office is for her/ I keep the house well and take care of kids and family for him what more needs to be done” If we are not allowed to hide behind those excuses, we can try to look at the situation directly. 

These questions would make you uncomfortable, not because you do not know the answer, in fact exactly opposite. You know the answer and that is the answer that we try and avoid as much as possible. Precisely that is the answer I suggest you look into. 

This is how it happens with most relationships. Over the period of time we avoid putting efforts into the relationship. Not that we do not want the warmth of that relationship, but we subconsciously expect our partner to put in all the efforts into keeping the flame alive. Since we do not wish to do the hard work we, like an expert learn to hide behind excuses like, “I am so busy with office/ house work, I get so tired, Can't leave the kids alone for a minute, If I do not sit with them personally the kids do not study at all, I need to stay updated with the news (For what?) After all the days at work I deserve to have my space and time…” the list of excuses is endless.

But the fact is very few of us actually work so much that there is no time left for love and our partner. If you do not believe me, over the next one week observe yourself on:

1. The time you are doing actual work
2. The time you spend scrolling thru the WhatsApp university
3. The time you spend watching Netflix or any other entertainment
4. The time you spend reading gossips in news papers
5. The time you spend chatting on various social media
6. And whatever else you do during the day
   
   

For once be truthful to yourself. Do not tell anyone that you are doing this, so you do not have to share anything with anyone. This is just for our self- awareness.

The thing is, the spelling of love is not LOVE it is actually TIME. It doesn’t mean you have to give up your interests and hobbies and be with each other in all of your free time. The quest is to become aware of how much we are consciously prioritizing our partner.

Love, fondness, communication grows with togetherness. If time is only spent on the so-called essentials of life, be prepared to sacrifice your relationship. But remember, the relationship is the only thing that stays with you once you are retired and your children are out of your house and your parents are not around. That is when friends also thin out and the only person that can be with you is your partner. If you have been prioritizing each other all your life, the later days would be a great time to spend together. Otherwise be warned, many couples start falling apart once the kids are out of the house as they have nothing to keep them together anymore.

If you believe this can help someone, do share. To connect with me for relationship counseling, send WhatsApp message on 8446229088 from wherever you are in the world.

The Magic of Holding Hands

Relationships are pretty intriguing. Passionate to start with, confusing to manage and painful to lose. As we move through trying to understand the reasons behind the pain and the confusion, here is what I see- In the beginning we fall for someone special because we focus on the very small things about them. We love their laughter, their carefree nature, the dimple on their cheek, the way they flick their hair and the small things that others have failed to notice or did not find anything special. And we do a lot of small things. We buy them flowers, chocolate, gifts, we sit with them, we talk, we smile and laugh at the smallest of their jokes, we sit silently with them, look into their eyes, hold hands for hours, compliment even the smallest things about each other and just be on the phone even when there is nothing much left to speak for the day. The small things that we try to convince others that they are good enough for us to live our entire life with.

And then the relationship happens and things start changing, rather I would say, we start changing. For some odd reasons we start believing that life is all about doing the big things, the so called significant things, the so called important things- like earning money, reading everything from the newspaper, cooking, replacing the grocery, bringing up the children, sending them to bigger and bigger and more expensive institutes, buying a house and then buying another one, one car, the bigger model and then the expensive brand. All seems very-very important.

You would argue that these are important in life. I agree. But what we miss is that these are not the only important things in life. While going through this motion of life, most of us complain of feeling lonely, unhappy, anxious. Our relationships start going for a toss and then we complain about that too.

The tragedy is, we knew how to be happy. We were happy and kind of ecstatic at a point in life, and then at some point of time we decided that those things that made us really happy were not important. At least, we believe, they are not important anymore. We start to look for happiness in our next paycheck, next car, next return on our investments, our child’s next report card…

All of these next’s come and go and after maybe a bout of pleasure we are back to the baseline with our complaints and incompleteness.

Unfortunately, while we were worrying for the child’s results we forgot to hold our partner’s hand to find solace and strength. While we were anxious about the late payment of our loans we overlooked the biggest source of comfort right next to us, the warm hug with our partner. While we cribbed about being sidelined for the due promotion, we missed the great incentive of looking mischievously or lovingly into our partners eyes.

I often come across couples in counseling who blame each other for not being loving enough, not giving time, not sharing hugs, never complimenting their efforts at making the family work. And I find myself thinking, ‘when both of them need the same why are they not doing it?’ Sadly when I ask them if they do spend time with each other they say, “There is no time for such silly things!!”

Big things in life are responsibilities. We all have them. But small things are what makes us feel needed, loved, cherished and the small things like simply holding hands gives us the reason and strength to go through another day with contentment and bliss.

When did you hold hands with your partner last?

If you believe this can help someone, do share. To connect with me for relationship counseling, send WhatsApp message on 8446229088 from wherever you are in the world.

How to Improve Communication in Relationships

Every day in lockdown I am hearing from people having major issues with their family members. While many are using this time as a family bonding time, many others are desperately waiting for the lockdown to open. Grown up children are locking themselves up in their room and parents are getting frustrated trying to get them to participate in the family. Couples are looking to steal moments and corners of the house to stay away from their partners. Many are reporting constant fights on small pretexts.

The question is why do we reach such a place? Agreed, we cannot like everything about our partners or our children or parents, but, why is it getting difficult to be civil with each other?

The major reason is communication gaps amongst the family members. 

The most important aspect of communication is the one that does not fit easily into the definition

of communication   – Expectations. We communicate largely as a response to our expectations from others. If you were to observe, when we are expecting love, we approach a person with loving communication. While we are expecting hostility our approaching communication is defensive or offensive.

When we live together we have many expectations from everyone. These expectations are largely based on our understanding of how the other person should be. How much we expect the partner to contribute in house work, how much do we expect the children to study, behave or contribute to the household, What kind of expectations we have from our in-laws etc. 

When we communicate with these expectations in mind we may many times sound offensive, demanding, even nagging. Naturally, the other person responds in similar emotions.

For example, parents expect children to either study or behave as close to Godliness as possible. Parents, who are most of the time engaged in using some gadget or the other, expect children to only use gadgets for studies and otherwise not touch it. So when a parent sees the children engaged in their phone sets, they start the communication from the position of ‘upset’. 

If we wish to work on our relationships for better, it is important to examine our expectations first. Let us accept that gadgets are here to stay and the ‘new normal’ for our children. Let us accept that teenagers do not like to spend a lot of time with their parents and that they have lot of secrets that they share with their friends, that our partners also need space every now and then and just because we are married does not meant they have to spend every minute of their free time with us… and so on..

Once we accept the basic reality of ourselves and the important people in our life, we can have much smoother communication most of the time. There would still be confrontations, we will still have to restrict the screen time for the kids but we will be able to approach the issue from a position of acceptance. This would ensure more peace in communication.

If you believe this can help someone, do share. To connect with me for relationship counseling, send WhatsApp message on 8446229088 from wherever you are in the world.

Sexual incompatibility & the youth

With rapid changes in the society, expectations and definitions of ‘normal’ are also changing fast. Complaining about sex related issues has majorly been a male territory in the Indian society, however more and more women are seen talking about their sexual dissatisfaction and expectations. Also, Both men and women seem to be more aware of their physical needs and are more comfortable in expressing it. This also means that relationships and marriages are also breaking on the grounds of persistent sexual dissatisfaction of either of the partners.

We now need to start looking at marriage with a new set of eyes. In most arranged marriages there is a lot of awkwardness and social reservation that stops potential couples from discussing this important aspect of a marriage. Even today most parents would not be happy if their son or daughter wishes to discuss individual sexual orientation and inhibitions if any with their potential partners.

But the times have changed. Can we open our eyes and see? In earlier times marriage was a non-negotiable union. Whatever may be the incompatibility, the couple was supposed to make do with it. Also, then sex was supposed to be a predominantly male forte. The women were not even supposed to have desires and the aim of physical reunion was for the satisfaction of the man and for procreation. So even if the woman was not satisfied, there was no way she could have expressed it. Thus the issues would remain buried under the garb of an ideal marriage.

We need to understand that women are no longer tolerating anything less than total satisfaction with their man in every aspect of coupledom. Also, since women of today are liberated and financially self-sufficient, they have no reason to settle for anything less especially when it comes to physical, mental and emotional satisfaction.

We need to encourage our marriageable children that when they discuss potential marriage and talk about each other’s income, parents, job, friends and lifestyle, they need to have an open discussion about each other’s sexual orientation, understanding and expectations. Especially in India where arranged marriages are still prevalent and openness and free meetings are not always feasible. 

I have come across couples in relationships where one of the partners is consistently resisting physical intimacy on some pretext or the other. The youth needs to understand that if they are planning to get married it is important to establish the truth about the reason behind avoiding sex and intimacy. Marriage is a life-time commitment and each person needs to think that “if their partner is not interested in intimacy would they be okay with it for the rest of their life?” 

These are practical questions and need to be considered seriously at least when considering marriage.

If you believe this can help someone, do share. To connect with me for relationship counseling, send WhatsApp message on 8446229088 from wherever you are in the world.

Marriage – Good Compromise or Bad Compromise?

They say marriage is a compromise. And I do agree. But compromise does not have to be a negative word always. 

For the new generation, the meaning of marriage seems to have changed. A generation that is being brought up by parents as prince and princesses and the center of their universe, is growing up believing that life is all about them. They believe that like their parents, everyone else should also be revolving around them and everyone else should carry the responsibility of making their life comfortable and entertaining like their parents did for them.

We are not here to discuss what is good and what is not, this is what the marriageable generations typically look like. And one word this generation has hardly heard is ‘compromise’.  The parents of this generation had compromise in their middle name and hence they have taken special care that the apple of their eye should not have to compromise over anything. And believe me this has nothing to do with money. I have seen this same phenomenon in the homes of the rich, the not so rich and the poor. Parents are trying to provide the best that they can to their children as if trying to get some vicarious pleasure of feeling satisfied with their job as parents. 

This generation then when it enters the institution of marriage, looks at every small adjustment and compromise to be negative and ‘anti-me’. The reaction to smallest compromise expectation is usually huge, many a time ending in the end of the relationship.

Unfortunately these youngsters then get close to others and since these others are still outsiders and do not expect any adjustments and change, they start believing that this new relationship is the good one. That utopia lasts till familiarity brings expectations in that new relationship and the cycle goes on. 

Parents, it is important to talk about “Good Compromise” with your sweethearts. They need to be oriented with the fact that when we want to live with someone for the reason of love, we need to change a little, adjust some more and at times compromise for the sake of the same love. I am not saying suggest them to tolerate insults and torture, but wanting to change and compromise for the one you love should be coming from a place of love.

Life is about companionship and relationships. That is what is happiness all about. That is what being human is all about. If we bring up our children to be self centered and rigid, we have to see them suffer in the later half of their life.

If you believe this can help someone, do share. To connect with me for relationship counseling, send WhatsApp message on 8446229088 from wherever you are in the world.

Dating in Marriage

Most marriages turn boring and ordinary by the time they reach the 5th or 6th anniversary. Everything seems to be dull and routine and also kind of compulsive. What can be the possible reason behind this?

Most marriages today, whether arranged or love, start with enthusiasm, romance, love and attraction. The feeling of being with the partner is nice. There is a desire to keep feeling even the slightest touch of the partner. There are stolen kisses and hugs and all of that brings flutter to the hearts.

Then what happens to something that started so beautifully? Let us examine.

In typical marriages today, the first child enters around the 4th or 5th year of the marriage, sometimes even earlier. Till such time there is usually a lot of love and romance. Even during pregnancy the romance is seen for most of the couples. And then the child is born.

There is something about the birth of the child that the parents usually both or sometimes at least one, starts to believe that they are morally bound to live only for the child now. No doubt children are demanding, but it is not the child who is asking you to give all your attention to it. The child needs to be cared for and fed and cleaned and fed again, but no child has ever said to its parents  “Please stop having a life because I am here now”.

Interestingly it is not only about a small baby that needs to be attended to, but even as the children grow up, I have seen parents fussing over them at all times. Especially the mothers who believe that if they think of themselves even for a minute it would be the biggest sin.

Remember, when the child is born the parents are still young and ideally their physical, emotional and mental needs are still as strong as they were before the child was born. But somehow one or both the parents believe the child should be the only focus now.

The children too, smart enough at an early age, sense this special status being given to it. It starts demanding more and more of your time and sanity.

Unfortunately, the very reason the child was born, the love and attachment between two young people, begins to take the back seat. For a woman the sexual desires can be suppressed if she is not thinking much about it, but nature works in a different way for the men. Many women start to avoid their husbands under the pretext of being tired or making him feel guilty about his needs over the needs of the child.

Then there are of course financial responsibilities and other tensions and stressors that keep feeding this general disinterest in each other. 

One day the children grow up and leave the house, or even if they are in the house they become more self centered. But by that time the marriage of the couple has become dull and drab.

This is a typical story of an Indian marriage. But it doesn’t have to happen this way. One simple solution can be to ensure that there is one date night for the couple every week. This is the evening that has to be designated to romance and affection. Act and behave as you did in your teens. Make arrangements for the kid or kids to be taken care of. If evening is not possible you can send the kids to creche or play house during the day and steal that time for yourself.

I know all couples do not have the luxury to move out alone, but I am sure if you can think of it you can find a way out. When the kid is very small you can take it along in a pram but still call it a date night showering each other with love and affection.

A simple ritual as one date night a week can bring the magic back into your marriage. Start today, no matter if you are 30,40, 50, 60 or beyond.

If you believe this can help someone, do share. To connect with me for relationship counseling, send WhatsApp message on 8446229088 from wherever you are in the world.

Did anyone Tell you How Difficult the First year of Marriage can be?

It is different today, very different and yet the same in so many ways.

I meet many youngsters regularly and one question that I love to ask them is their view about marriage. Interestingly many of them straight away say they have no plans to get married and then many of the rest start to describe the functions and arrangements they would like to have for their wedding. 

Understandably today’s generation is growing in nuclear families so they have not experienced, compromise, sacrifice, sharing, caring and taking up household responsibilities. In addition most preferring a love marriage, the things have been very rosy for them till the time of their wedding. 

We cannot overlook the fact that the entire focus of parents is on educating their child (girl and boy equal) and then seeing them get good paying jobs. In the process most parents are handling practically everything else for the child to the extent of serving them with a glass of water with the intention that the child should conserve all the energy for studies.

Add to that the media portraying fairy tale weddings in almost all the movies and tele-series and the youth is brought up believing that marriage is all about the wedding ceremony, the beautiful dress, the bachelors party and the long foreign honeymoon.

The issues start when the honeymoon is over and it is time to get back to work and the big question is who would cook the hot tiffin that mom was cooking till now? The fifth day the toilet starts stinking and “Oh we have always had clean toilets, who cleans them up?” innocent discussion.

This doesn’t even begin to describe all the adjustments that you need to do with the same person you were so desperately in love with and who is now either sleeping in after a late night every second day, or leaving the half eaten Zomato boxes all around the bed or carelessly leaving the towels and socks and dirty undergarments around the room… absolutely clueless how all of that used to be cleaned up before the marriage.

Did I mention that suddenly you may realize that the person who used to say ‘I love you’ at the drop of a hat is giving you excuses of real life and time crunch and suddenly there is a lot more of real life and less and less of Romance. His mother is not liking what you wear and so he is suggesting you change and her father is giving you a tough time reminding you that you need to earn more and make your investments in so and so way! Phew!

Welcome to the real world. Oh so this is what marriage is all about?

No need to be disheartened though.  The shock is there because you were not prepared. Know some more before you feel you are ready to make the commitment. Parents do show the real world to your children. Encourage them to discuss these aspects with their partners. Help them to make informed decisions on whether or not they are ready to take the plunge. 

Knowing and working on it together, deciding on sharing household chores beforehand, talking about how to share and plan finances, discussing strategies about handling each other parents etc. Making an informed decision will take away the shock from it and adjustment would be much easier. 

Marriage is good.