Sexual incompatibility & the youth

With rapid changes in the society, expectations and definitions of ‘normal’ are also changing fast. Complaining about sex related issues has majorly been a male territory in the Indian society, however more and more women are seen talking about their sexual dissatisfaction and expectations. Also, Both men and women seem to be more aware of their physical needs and are more comfortable in expressing it. This also means that relationships and marriages are also breaking on the grounds of persistent sexual dissatisfaction of either of the partners.

We now need to start looking at marriage with a new set of eyes. In most arranged marriages there is a lot of awkwardness and social reservation that stops potential couples from discussing this important aspect of a marriage. Even today most parents would not be happy if their son or daughter wishes to discuss individual sexual orientation and inhibitions if any with their potential partners.

But the times have changed. Can we open our eyes and see? In earlier times marriage was a non-negotiable union. Whatever may be the incompatibility, the couple was supposed to make do with it. Also, then sex was supposed to be a predominantly male forte. The women were not even supposed to have desires and the aim of physical reunion was for the satisfaction of the man and for procreation. So even if the woman was not satisfied, there was no way she could have expressed it. Thus the issues would remain buried under the garb of an ideal marriage.

We need to understand that women are no longer tolerating anything less than total satisfaction with their man in every aspect of coupledom. Also, since women of today are liberated and financially self-sufficient, they have no reason to settle for anything less especially when it comes to physical, mental and emotional satisfaction.

We need to encourage our marriageable children that when they discuss potential marriage and talk about each other’s income, parents, job, friends and lifestyle, they need to have an open discussion about each other’s sexual orientation, understanding and expectations. Especially in India where arranged marriages are still prevalent and openness and free meetings are not always feasible. 

I have come across couples in relationships where one of the partners is consistently resisting physical intimacy on some pretext or the other. The youth needs to understand that if they are planning to get married it is important to establish the truth about the reason behind avoiding sex and intimacy. Marriage is a life-time commitment and each person needs to think that “if their partner is not interested in intimacy would they be okay with it for the rest of their life?” 

These are practical questions and need to be considered seriously at least when considering marriage.

If you believe this can help someone, do share. To connect with me for relationship counseling, send WhatsApp message on 8446229088 from wherever you are in the world.

Marriage – Good Compromise or Bad Compromise?

They say marriage is a compromise. And I do agree. But compromise does not have to be a negative word always. 

For the new generation, the meaning of marriage seems to have changed. A generation that is being brought up by parents as prince and princesses and the center of their universe, is growing up believing that life is all about them. They believe that like their parents, everyone else should also be revolving around them and everyone else should carry the responsibility of making their life comfortable and entertaining like their parents did for them.

We are not here to discuss what is good and what is not, this is what the marriageable generations typically look like. And one word this generation has hardly heard is ‘compromise’.  The parents of this generation had compromise in their middle name and hence they have taken special care that the apple of their eye should not have to compromise over anything. And believe me this has nothing to do with money. I have seen this same phenomenon in the homes of the rich, the not so rich and the poor. Parents are trying to provide the best that they can to their children as if trying to get some vicarious pleasure of feeling satisfied with their job as parents. 

This generation then when it enters the institution of marriage, looks at every small adjustment and compromise to be negative and ‘anti-me’. The reaction to smallest compromise expectation is usually huge, many a time ending in the end of the relationship.

Unfortunately these youngsters then get close to others and since these others are still outsiders and do not expect any adjustments and change, they start believing that this new relationship is the good one. That utopia lasts till familiarity brings expectations in that new relationship and the cycle goes on. 

Parents, it is important to talk about “Good Compromise” with your sweethearts. They need to be oriented with the fact that when we want to live with someone for the reason of love, we need to change a little, adjust some more and at times compromise for the sake of the same love. I am not saying suggest them to tolerate insults and torture, but wanting to change and compromise for the one you love should be coming from a place of love.

Life is about companionship and relationships. That is what is happiness all about. That is what being human is all about. If we bring up our children to be self centered and rigid, we have to see them suffer in the later half of their life.

If you believe this can help someone, do share. To connect with me for relationship counseling, send WhatsApp message on 8446229088 from wherever you are in the world.

Dating in Marriage

Most marriages turn boring and ordinary by the time they reach the 5th or 6th anniversary. Everything seems to be dull and routine and also kind of compulsive. What can be the possible reason behind this?

Most marriages today, whether arranged or love, start with enthusiasm, romance, love and attraction. The feeling of being with the partner is nice. There is a desire to keep feeling even the slightest touch of the partner. There are stolen kisses and hugs and all of that brings flutter to the hearts.

Then what happens to something that started so beautifully? Let us examine.

In typical marriages today, the first child enters around the 4th or 5th year of the marriage, sometimes even earlier. Till such time there is usually a lot of love and romance. Even during pregnancy the romance is seen for most of the couples. And then the child is born.

There is something about the birth of the child that the parents usually both or sometimes at least one, starts to believe that they are morally bound to live only for the child now. No doubt children are demanding, but it is not the child who is asking you to give all your attention to it. The child needs to be cared for and fed and cleaned and fed again, but no child has ever said to its parents  “Please stop having a life because I am here now”.

Interestingly it is not only about a small baby that needs to be attended to, but even as the children grow up, I have seen parents fussing over them at all times. Especially the mothers who believe that if they think of themselves even for a minute it would be the biggest sin.

Remember, when the child is born the parents are still young and ideally their physical, emotional and mental needs are still as strong as they were before the child was born. But somehow one or both the parents believe the child should be the only focus now.

The children too, smart enough at an early age, sense this special status being given to it. It starts demanding more and more of your time and sanity.

Unfortunately, the very reason the child was born, the love and attachment between two young people, begins to take the back seat. For a woman the sexual desires can be suppressed if she is not thinking much about it, but nature works in a different way for the men. Many women start to avoid their husbands under the pretext of being tired or making him feel guilty about his needs over the needs of the child.

Then there are of course financial responsibilities and other tensions and stressors that keep feeding this general disinterest in each other. 

One day the children grow up and leave the house, or even if they are in the house they become more self centered. But by that time the marriage of the couple has become dull and drab.

This is a typical story of an Indian marriage. But it doesn’t have to happen this way. One simple solution can be to ensure that there is one date night for the couple every week. This is the evening that has to be designated to romance and affection. Act and behave as you did in your teens. Make arrangements for the kid or kids to be taken care of. If evening is not possible you can send the kids to creche or play house during the day and steal that time for yourself.

I know all couples do not have the luxury to move out alone, but I am sure if you can think of it you can find a way out. When the kid is very small you can take it along in a pram but still call it a date night showering each other with love and affection.

A simple ritual as one date night a week can bring the magic back into your marriage. Start today, no matter if you are 30,40, 50, 60 or beyond.

If you believe this can help someone, do share. To connect with me for relationship counseling, send WhatsApp message on 8446229088 from wherever you are in the world.

Did anyone Tell you How Difficult the First year of Marriage can be?

It is different today, very different and yet the same in so many ways.

I meet many youngsters regularly and one question that I love to ask them is their view about marriage. Interestingly many of them straight away say they have no plans to get married and then many of the rest start to describe the functions and arrangements they would like to have for their wedding. 

Understandably today’s generation is growing in nuclear families so they have not experienced, compromise, sacrifice, sharing, caring and taking up household responsibilities. In addition most preferring a love marriage, the things have been very rosy for them till the time of their wedding. 

We cannot overlook the fact that the entire focus of parents is on educating their child (girl and boy equal) and then seeing them get good paying jobs. In the process most parents are handling practically everything else for the child to the extent of serving them with a glass of water with the intention that the child should conserve all the energy for studies.

Add to that the media portraying fairy tale weddings in almost all the movies and tele-series and the youth is brought up believing that marriage is all about the wedding ceremony, the beautiful dress, the bachelors party and the long foreign honeymoon.

The issues start when the honeymoon is over and it is time to get back to work and the big question is who would cook the hot tiffin that mom was cooking till now? The fifth day the toilet starts stinking and “Oh we have always had clean toilets, who cleans them up?” innocent discussion.

This doesn’t even begin to describe all the adjustments that you need to do with the same person you were so desperately in love with and who is now either sleeping in after a late night every second day, or leaving the half eaten Zomato boxes all around the bed or carelessly leaving the towels and socks and dirty undergarments around the room… absolutely clueless how all of that used to be cleaned up before the marriage.

Did I mention that suddenly you may realize that the person who used to say ‘I love you’ at the drop of a hat is giving you excuses of real life and time crunch and suddenly there is a lot more of real life and less and less of Romance. His mother is not liking what you wear and so he is suggesting you change and her father is giving you a tough time reminding you that you need to earn more and make your investments in so and so way! Phew!

Welcome to the real world. Oh so this is what marriage is all about?

No need to be disheartened though.  The shock is there because you were not prepared. Know some more before you feel you are ready to make the commitment. Parents do show the real world to your children. Encourage them to discuss these aspects with their partners. Help them to make informed decisions on whether or not they are ready to take the plunge. 

Knowing and working on it together, deciding on sharing household chores beforehand, talking about how to share and plan finances, discussing strategies about handling each other parents etc. Making an informed decision will take away the shock from it and adjustment would be much easier. 

Marriage is good.

Effect of Male-Female Socializing on Relationships

Boys and girls are getting into relationships at a very young age. Among marriages, live-ins, committed relationships and Casual hook ups almost everyone seems to be in some kind of relationship or other. But the last decade has been seeing a very interesting phenomenon along with all these relationships.

So we are modern people and we believe friendships with the opposite gender is a norm that needs to be easily accepted. What we are deliberately trying not to see are the multitude of complications arising out of this so called ‘modern’ outlook.

Common observation: Two people are in a relationship and one or both of them believe in being close friends with one or more people of the opposite gender. Looks good so far. But since they are in a relationship or married, they consider themselves to be in a ‘SAFE’ zone. Practically meaning they or their friend cannot get physically or emotionally attracted towards each other. And so they spend time together- in person and on digital media. The need to share with each other goes on increasing and so does the desire to spend time with each other.

Unfortunately very few of these friendships remain friendships. Eventually some kind of attraction and dependence develops. This is especially because the relationship with the spouse or the lover has gone from romantic to routine. They have stopped saying all the lovey-dovey things to each other and there is hardly any need felt to appreciate the other. The practicality of life has taken over and one can no more feel the ‘butterflies’ when together.

But the relationship with the ‘close friend’ is still beyond the demands of life. So there is sharing and talking and appreciating and that feels good. That actually feels very good. And that is when the trouble starts.

The partner starts feeling discomfort with the closeness of their partner with the friend. When confronted, the defensive partner resorts to name- calling and blame the partner to be ‘narrow minded’. These episodes are then shared with the ‘friend’ with an obvious portrayal of self as a victim. The ‘friend’ obviously supports. And Very sadly the partner starts to appear like the controlling villain.

We are all seeing this around us and many of us are playing one of the three parts described above. The question is, ‘is it so difficult to understand that modernization has nothing to do with the male- female chemistry?’ It is nature and nature have specific reasons for having created the two genders. They are meant to attract. And a long association between is known to build attraction, even between the same sexes.

People complain that relationships do not last as they used to. We can see the reason why. When there is already an alternative present to share and feel good with, we give up on relationships too early and whenever possible jump to the next simpler appearing option.

If we are looking for loving, long- term relationships we need to invest more in our intimate relationships than focusing on building social circles.

Talking about Sex in Relationships

Sex, one of the important ingredients of adult love relationship, is one of the least talked about aspect of love. Taboos, social restrictions, personal awkwardness, gender based prejudices and ignorance- one or more of these are the often-sighted reasons. However, interestingly, many people who regularly indulge in sexual activities also are not comfortable in talking about it. 

Of course these are personal choices, but in a committed relationship like marriage or live-in when the couple is not comfortable in talking about this important ingredient of love, there are often major dissatisfaction observed in their relationships.

In conservative societies Sex is a taboo subject and to circumvent the problems arising out of it, the whole need to talk is buried under the cute pretext of “Our culture does not permit it”.  That may have had its relevance a decade back but today, when sex is no longer a closet issue of the married, not talking about it is increasingly creating many other problems in the relationships. 

About 2 decade back sex was majorly a male interest and what ever they understood or did was considered to be the normal. However today the women have started exploring their sexuality and are very vocal about their needs and satisfaction. It is observed that under these circumstances many women are reaching out to relationship counselors and sexologists about non- performance or disinterest of their spouses or boyfriends in sex, an aspect that was totally kept under wraps just a few years ago.

It is important to understand that with most people exploring sex before marriage it is no longer a hush-hush thing. Rather, in the absence of proper knowledge and understanding many couples are deprived of the beauty of mutually satisfying sex. 

In my counseling practice I come across many couples that approach for some issues in the relationship. When I ask about the sex and intimacy almost all of them have one or the other issue in this area. Mostly, one of them has either not been interested in sex since the beginning or they have lost interest very soon into the marriage. The other partner has been forced to accept it as they have found it more difficult to talk about it among themselves or to an expert. 

Most of these couples have never talked about each other’s preferences, likes, dislikes etc. regarding sex. They have had sex, they have borne children but the awkwardness about talking has always been there. 

I believe it is high time that we need to start talking about this very important aspect of our life. Sex with a willing partner with love and romance can be the ultimate of pleasures provided, both are able to participate with confidence and desire. This can happen only when it is openly talked about between the couple. As a society and parents we need to start talking with our children at the right time, and at least before they are married off. This is our responsibility.  Both genders need to understand the difference between the male and female sexuality, needs and responses in order to experience the beauty. 

If not comfortable, do not hesitate to approach a counselor or sexologist.

Do you Blame your Partner for your Unhappiness?

What is the biggest killer of any relationship? 

Not having personal space. I do not mean physical space. Space in terms of a time zone when we can be with ourselves and having a mental space where we can be ourselves and not living in relation to others.

The concept of love, as most of us understand, is in many ways binding. It is popularly believed that once we have the love of our life, we can stop looking out for ourselves. We feel good being with each other but then we want that feel good to occupy all of our life. We find more and more reasons to be together and the rest of the time we want to be wrapped in the thought of our muse or be on phone either talking or chatting with ... you know who.

No problem with this. It is a nice feeling to begin with. I know that. But the problem starts when in order to be with our loved one, physically or mentally, we take all our attention from ourselves. Eventually, when the initial spike of passion starts coming down, at least one of us has to be involved in daily chores and we spend less and less time with each other, we begin to feel a sudden emptiness within. 

Often this is when the drama begins. We blame our partner for not being the same person they used to be in the initial courtship period. We feel neglected and cheated on while they start feeling nagged and distrusted. That’s how the relationship starts to deteriorate.

But it doesn’t have to be this way. Only if we can recognize ours and our partner’s need for being ourselves, we would not be giving up our entire self thus sacrificing our favorite activities, meeting other people we like to be with, mentally getting oriented around only one person. 

To be in a healthy relationship with each other, both the partners need to be in a great relationship with themselves. We need to value ourselves individually. We can be one with our partner when together, but then we are really two different people with needs more than to love and to be loved. We have mental, emotional, physical, social and spiritual needs. To live a happy and contented life we need to strive towards satisfying all of these needs from time to time. In order to achieve that we need to spend time with ourselves, contemplating, learning, practicing and participating. When we are working towards fulfillment of our needs we do not have the need to blame our partner for not giving us all the time they have or not ensuring our happiness.

Finally, Each one is responsible for their happiness. And only two happy and stable individuals can make a wonderful satisfying relationship.