HOW TO HELP YOUR AGGRESSIVE CHILD?

Tips on Parenting by Dr. Sapna Sharma. Image Source - https://parentingbydrrene.com/2014/05/28/preventing-tantrums-emotion-language-triggers-and-cues/

Is your child getting aggressive when you try to stop him from doing his nuisance? And are all worried about his future as his young aggressions are just too much to handle? 
 
Here's how to help your aggressive child -
 
Aggression in children can come from any of the following reasons:
 
1. Too much violence on TV or video games: These are directly known to affect the nervous system and lead to aggression, hyperactivity, lack of concentration.
 
2. Not getting enough personal attention from parents especially if there is a younger sibling at home: Often our busy lifestyle means that we do things in a generalised way. For example, our outings are trying to do as many things as possible in one trip - grocery shopping, important supplies shopping, meeting a relative, eating out, etc. Being parents, we feel that we have done our duties as parents but what the children need is our personal attention. If there are two children, it is very important to plan at least one to two hours personal time of each parent with each child. This gives them the space needed to open up and express themselves. Which is very rare in today's busy time!
 
3. Bullying at school or on playground or at home: They cannot share as it is their personal insult but it results in the form of aggression at home where they feel powerful.
 
4. Some physical disturbances like lower eyesight, hard of hearing, etc.: These children suffer but they do not know that something is wrong with them or that it can be corrected. They are highly self-conscious and hence, often resort to aggression to prove their prowess.
 
5. Insecurity due to any reason: You need to talk to them and find out if they are feeling insecure and what's making them so.
 
6. Not able to understand or perform in the class: Many children do not understand the way a particular teacher teaches in a classroom. Also all children do not have aptitude for all subjects and some may not have aptitude for academic excellence - as parents all children are expected to do good in studies just because we send them to good school. This makes it very difficult as they feel pressure on them all the time which can be expressed in aggression or withdrawal.
 
SUGGESTIONS:
1. Try to spend a lot of free time with the child. Meaning when you are not pressed for time or any other activity and when you do not talk about studies or his behaviour. Just be there. May be take him out for his favourite activity and share with him your day, your issues at workplace or how you had suffered as a child. This will encourage him also to start speaking his heart out. BUT remember all this takes a lot of time and patience.
2. Formulate a schedule with your spouse so each one of you sits in a casual mood with each of the children separately and just chit chat. Next time change the parent child pair. Listen more and talk less. Talk to him like he is an adult. Don't always overload him with instructions. If he is not studying or behaving now, getting angry is not going to create any miracle.
3. Slowly ask him if he likes all his teachers, his friends or classmates, his subjects and what difficulties he has with each of them. In my practice as an ophthalmologist I have come across many children who could not see the blackboard clearly due to low eye sight but were afraid to accept. But they could not see and hence could not copy from the blackboard and hence, suffered many insults in school as well as from parents.
4. Take your children for regular eye check ups till they are 18 years of age.
5. Children who do not perform well at school are the ones that require help with studies. These children are then sent to tuition classes where again the child is studying in a group and hence not learning or too shy to ask difficulties or again distracted by other children. For such children it is often best to have home tutors who can teach at the speed and understanding the level of the child. Your child will not spend time going to and from the tuition and you will be able to monitor his progress on a personal level with the tutor.
6. Finally please seek face to face counseling for yourself and your child. Often we parents need to understand what to do with our particular child who is unique. Also we need help for our frustrations and tensions so that we can handle them with patience. For the children it is often easy to open up with a non-judgmental outsider than with a parent who is always judging and threatening. I am in the profession of counseling for over 15 yearsand yet I encourage my children to see other counselors whenever we are not able to get through to each other. I am confident your child can be helped with these tips. For more help you can ask me a question on this site.

My Child does not Study

How much should the children study and at what age should they be becoming

serious about studies is a frequent question? Interestingly the age at which parents

are becoming concerned about children’s attitude towards studies is decreasing day

by day. So what should we be concerned about is, children’s disinterest in studies or

parents’ over concern?

A concerned mother sent me similar query about her children aged 10 and 13.

First of all I would not like to take them in the same group and discuss them

together. A 10 year old is merely in class 5 while a 13 year old has already entered

the high school and there needs to be a lot of difference in our concern about

their studies.

As a generation of over anxious parents we need to understand that studies,

the way they are presented to the children, are inherently boring. Our education

system insists on adding volumes every year while not doing anything to ensure

the clarity of concepts or relevance to the real life. Most teachers are not

‘born to teach’ kind of so they focus on completion of the syllabus rather than

helping the children develop interest in a particular subject or the studies.

Eventually what studies mean to most students is a means to pass some

painful exams. And that certainly is not interesting even for an adult.

If we take the above fact into consideration, we as parents may understand,

at least to some extent, why the children avoid studies and postpone them to

the last minute. This awareness would also give us some motivation to be

innovative about how we present the concept of studies to our children.

Some of the few basic factors to remember here are:

• Children do not enjoy doing anything alone. Even expensive games are left

untouched if they are left to play with them. Hence, try to give study partners

to the children wherever you find them lacking in interest. These can be home

tutors. The advantage is that there is the interaction that makes the whole process

less boring. Also children develop a habit of sitting down for studies regularly and

at the same time, which is a very good habit for the future. Remember the role of

home tutors is not just of teaching. So if you hire a tutor for writing practice or

regularity or concept clearing, you need to let the tutor know so right at the

beginning and also need to monitor it from time to time.

• Children need consistency. Busy parents do not always sit with children the same time

every day for studies and they want to go by their availability which eventually makes 

the children loose the importance of the process. So, if you are too busy or if the child 

is not responding to you positively, getting a home tutor can make a big difference.

• Have a casual discussion about studies with children asking them which subjects they 

like and which ones they hate particularly and why. An educated parent can teach any 

child up to class 7 in the least. If you see that your child is struggling with something in 

particular try to find some important facts about that particular topic using the internet 

and present it to the child in an interesting format. This is particularly helpful for 

subjects that children find boring like history, Geography, physics, chemistry.

• For math, especially with high school students, if they have not developed clear concepts 

during middle school, they end up fearing the subject. It is best to test the child with few 

basic calculations of fractions and equations and if not satisfactory at least one hour a day 

should be spent in making them practice basic calculations. I have personally observed 

a shift in their interest towards the positive just in a month’s time.

The most important factor here to be remembered by the parents is that just because

the children are going to the school does not mean all of them should be interested in

studies. Each child is different. Their understanding and logic about the importance of

studies is different. Forcing them is going to work less and less with every new generation.

They do not respond to compulsions and to your all-time statement “because I told you so”.

Also know that each of your child is different. What works for one may not work for the other.
Schools have a mass training system. Children usually are not given individual attention.
So it is up to the parents to understand the unique learning style, challenges and
motivation of their child and help accordingly.

Of course if you are not able to help them, please get in touch with a counselor rather
than getting angry with your children.