My Child does not Study

How much should the children study and at what age should they be becoming

serious about studies is a frequent question? Interestingly the age at which parents

are becoming concerned about children’s attitude towards studies is decreasing day

by day. So what should we be concerned about is, children’s disinterest in studies or

parents’ over concern?

A concerned mother sent me similar query about her children aged 10 and 13.

First of all I would not like to take them in the same group and discuss them

together. A 10 year old is merely in class 5 while a 13 year old has already entered

the high school and there needs to be a lot of difference in our concern about

their studies.

As a generation of over anxious parents we need to understand that studies,

the way they are presented to the children, are inherently boring. Our education

system insists on adding volumes every year while not doing anything to ensure

the clarity of concepts or relevance to the real life. Most teachers are not

‘born to teach’ kind of so they focus on completion of the syllabus rather than

helping the children develop interest in a particular subject or the studies.

Eventually what studies mean to most students is a means to pass some

painful exams. And that certainly is not interesting even for an adult.

If we take the above fact into consideration, we as parents may understand,

at least to some extent, why the children avoid studies and postpone them to

the last minute. This awareness would also give us some motivation to be

innovative about how we present the concept of studies to our children.

Some of the few basic factors to remember here are:

• Children do not enjoy doing anything alone. Even expensive games are left

untouched if they are left to play with them. Hence, try to give study partners

to the children wherever you find them lacking in interest. These can be home

tutors. The advantage is that there is the interaction that makes the whole process

less boring. Also children develop a habit of sitting down for studies regularly and

at the same time, which is a very good habit for the future. Remember the role of

home tutors is not just of teaching. So if you hire a tutor for writing practice or

regularity or concept clearing, you need to let the tutor know so right at the

beginning and also need to monitor it from time to time.

• Children need consistency. Busy parents do not always sit with children the same time

every day for studies and they want to go by their availability which eventually makes 

the children loose the importance of the process. So, if you are too busy or if the child 

is not responding to you positively, getting a home tutor can make a big difference.

• Have a casual discussion about studies with children asking them which subjects they 

like and which ones they hate particularly and why. An educated parent can teach any 

child up to class 7 in the least. If you see that your child is struggling with something in 

particular try to find some important facts about that particular topic using the internet 

and present it to the child in an interesting format. This is particularly helpful for 

subjects that children find boring like history, Geography, physics, chemistry.

• For math, especially with high school students, if they have not developed clear concepts 

during middle school, they end up fearing the subject. It is best to test the child with few 

basic calculations of fractions and equations and if not satisfactory at least one hour a day 

should be spent in making them practice basic calculations. I have personally observed 

a shift in their interest towards the positive just in a month’s time.

The most important factor here to be remembered by the parents is that just because

the children are going to the school does not mean all of them should be interested in

studies. Each child is different. Their understanding and logic about the importance of

studies is different. Forcing them is going to work less and less with every new generation.

They do not respond to compulsions and to your all-time statement “because I told you so”.

Also know that each of your child is different. What works for one may not work for the other.
Schools have a mass training system. Children usually are not given individual attention.
So it is up to the parents to understand the unique learning style, challenges and
motivation of their child and help accordingly.

Of course if you are not able to help them, please get in touch with a counselor rather
than getting angry with your children.

Children & their Demands for Branded Things

Recently on one of my videos on parenting, I received question from a mother that said,
“Children know more about brand than parents.... because of the influence of the outside
world parents do not to teach them as many a times parents wear simple things through
out their lives but children need branded wares.... That is also other side of the coin...
Suggest how parents can deal with this situation.”

I think almost all the parents today are facing the same situation so wanted to share this
with you.

I believe children are attracted to what the world shows them, There is nothing wrong
with asking for the brands, the problem is when they do not value the money that is spent
for the same and when they are seeking the particular brand not for its inherent value or
goodness but for competing with their peers. A few things if followed in the house hold
right from beginning can bring some monetary discipline in children:
1. Never try to show that we can buy anything they ask for even when they are 2 years
old cute and they ask for not so expensive things. The awareness among parents has to
be right from the birth of the child. The child does not understand the cost or value, for
him it is just a fact that my parents can get me anything that i ask for. 

2. If children ask for something specific let them know that it will be given to them against
their next good results (Unless it is too expensive for you). This is to let them know that they
have to earn their luxuries just like the rest of us and for them the responsibility is studying

3. Ensure that whenever the children get money as gifts it is to be deposited with the parent
till at least they finish class 10th. The parents have to be accountable to gain the children's
trust by putting away the money in a separate envelope marked with the child's name and not
using it for any other purpose. Occasionally when the parents feel right the children can be
allowed to use the money out of their savings after discussing the need. 

4. Let children take up odd jobs around the house so that they can earn. This teaches them the
hard work that goes into earning each penny. Also if it is a regular job that the child takes up
like dusting every day etc, ensure that you deduct the day’s pay from their salary if they miss
out even one day. (Except when sick or out on school project )

5. After around the age of 10 take them with you for grocery and vegetable shopping and make
them calculate and pay for what is bought so they know how expensive it is to run a normal
household which they normally take for granted.

6. In this series then let them know the difference between necessities and luxuries. Tell them
your responsibility is to ensure that their needs are taken care of .For their wants, like the
brands. They have to earn and save.

So many other ways can be added to this depending upon the household members, income and the personality of the child. However it is very important that ONCE YOU SAY NO TO SOMETHING- STICK TO IT, even if they throw bad tantrums.  Remember children will demand, that is their nature, but if you keep giving them just to free yourself of their tantrums, they will never learn the value. Rather what they will learn is, the price of everything is a good tantrum.

Whatever you do, the keyword is CONSISTENCY. Eventually they learn.

Appreciation Therapy by Dr.Sapna Sharma

APPRECIATION THERAPY- By Dr. SAPNA SHARMA

Please do SHARE if you believe it can help someone.

Did anyone ever say to you, “You are the best!” or something similar? I can bet that the very thought of that memory, even if it had happened years back, would bring sparkle to your eyes and warmth in your heart.

That is the magic of appreciation. Two words, just two are enough. “Hi beautiful” said even by a stranger makes the day. We know it. We have all experienced it. Doesn’t matter what the praise is about but the feeling is same- simply great. We want to believe every word said in our praise. We know we all crave for this feeling of being praised. Why else do we keep checking back for comments ever few minutes when we post anything on the social media?

We know it. We want it and we use it to encourage people or to impress them in formal settings. And yet we are so stingy when it comes to giving out praises to our friends and family. In fact we find every reason not to do it.

When I was growing up the adult Buzz- word was: “Don’t praise the children or you will spoil them!!”  And boy! Did they follow it to the hilt!! I grew up believing there was nothing good about me. And trust me- that hurts!!

You know it of course. And yet it is so difficult to appreciate those who are really dependent on us for their dose of praise! Interestingly most of us find it rather awkward to say good things to people close to us. Things like ‘I love you’, ‘you are so handsome’,  ‘you are the best child a parent could have’ and more find place only in a very few households. Rest of us believe that such things are not be expressed only experienced especially by the close ones.

If that is so then why do we express our anger and our disapproval so often and in so many words too? We can even justify some of our physical and mental violence under the pretext of “they deserve it”. What surprises me is that those bad words said with real rage, that hysterical shouting, those emotional neglects…all those really bad things we do so very easily and so frequently but are so very shy even to tell our spouse simple words like, “I love you, you are the best.”

There is magic in appreciation. We expect great relationships, loyal partners and obedient loving children. We get them things that money can buy and spend our days and nights to earn for that, but we do not make efforts to consciously think what wonders a few words can do. Often I meet people who make no efforts to say those few inexpensive words even when their partners tell them so directly and beg them to do so. They brush it away with, “these are all so cheap, superficial things”. Parents reprimand their children for not being confident, bosses chastise employees, but find it so difficult to engage in systematic appreciation routine to raise their self-esteem. And then if your need  appreciation, how are they different from you?

All it needs is a desire to genuinely see your loved ones happy and confident. It is easy, most inexpensive way to relationships of love, harmony and loyalty. Do try it!

Dr. Sapna Sharma

Spiritual Counselor, Life Coach, Author & Speaker

FAILURE: The human side of the story By Dr.Sapna Sharma

FAILURE: The human side of the story

This is funny. We rush and run and then we run some more. We push and shove and shame and defeat. Then there are the lies and the shortcuts that are the snakes in our cupboard. All for that one thing called as “Success”. It is important and hence we are trained for it.

But what is success? Ask this and wait for all the philosophical answers that you can tolerate. Then ask again “What is success?” And keep on asking till you get the one universal definition that rules the world- “ Success is doing better, having better, earning better, vacationing better,spending capacity better than… better than?... better than XYZ…”

I want to stop sometimes, I want to focus on other things that seem to be more important for me- peace, contentment, happiness, companionship, adventure… but it seems that I have been programmed to be in the race and try to be better… they say it is called “SUCCESS”.

And so when I go by this definition of success another definition automatically springs up as a corollary, “If you are not successful – you are a failure” and that is when it hurts. Stand- alone, ‘failure’ may not be so poisonous but it is given to us as an OPPOSITE of success. Thus it becomes a double- edged sword. It hurts further because while the whole system was teaching me how to succeed none ever guided me towards how to deal with failures… for that matter this ‘F’ word was never as much uttered except in utter disgust and contempt. While the parameters of success were being glorified at every stage failure, had no definite destination …it was presumed to be there every time success eluded us.

However, notable fact is that ‘failure’ does not have the same devastating effect on all and some others keep on growing leaps and bounds as if they have never experienced ‘failure’. Well we know they have because none is ever spared of failures. Yet some triumph while others remain ordinary and are often seen sighting their ‘unfortunate’ failures.

Also it can be observed that Adult “failure” is many fold more dangerous and destructive than its juvenile counterpart. Simply because in early life the stakes were mostly material – rank or no rank, prize or no prize, celebration or no… you get the drift…Hence the hurt was mostly short lived. But adult failure is much more beyond what appears- it is not about the promotion, the money the project success or the incentives- it is about the most sensitive parameters of all- SELF ESTEEM.

Now failure is actually a simple phenomenon where one is not able to achieve or perform what one is supposed to or expected to. Examine the statement again. It makes this whole business of ‘failure’ so innocent. But add one small dose of ‘low self- esteem’ to it and the whole thing becomes at once complicated. The difference between the failure of a self- assured person and that of a person with low or negative self- esteem is huge.

*A self -assured person would*:

Ø  Not take the failure personally.

Ø  He would be able to put it in the context of the time and circumstances.

Ø  He would evaluate and be ready for a second try with new strategies and renewed confidence.

Ø  For them the failure is just the other side of the coin of success.

On the other hand a person with low self- esteem would:

Ø  Look at failure as personal sin, it would incite in him the feelings of guilt, shame, anger, revenge etc.

Ø  He would be looking for a scape-goat to put it on.

Ø  He may either try to shy away from the whole project in question or create such an environment that others would take it away from him.

Ø  He would most probably never accept his share of responsibility for the failure and hence the question of learning from the failure and the prospect of analysis and enthusiastic re start is almost negligible.

Ø  He can even be aggressive and spiteful just so to detach attention from the feeling of having failed.

Ø  Such a person often live in stress and is known to shirk responsibilities of change and start up as they are afraid of failure.

Ø  He usually has negative attitude towards anything new or different and would often discourage boss and colleagues from taking it up.

When observed and understood from this perspective it is obvious that:

Ø  Failure is not an absolute phenomenon.

Ø  The responses to failure are of bigger concern than the failure itself.

Ø  Individuals may respond differently to the same failure depending upon their confidence and self-esteem.

Ø  Individuals with low self- esteem can create cascading negativity from even a small or innocent failure.

Ø  Self- confident, self-assured individuals can create failures into learning opportunities and use them for higher performance.

*In Conclusion*:

To ensure minimal damages due to failure of projects and processes and relationships it is important to:

Ø  Work on creating positive and mutually supportive work and home environment.

Ø  Create a custom of ‘TIME OUT’ where in each person compulsorily spends quite time with self minus any gadgets- this encourages introspection.

Ø  Invest in raising the self- esteem of people by regular and result oriented behavioral trainings and counseling services.

Ø  Give opportunities to employees and family members to keep learning and enhancing their personal qualifications and skills in order to boost their self-esteem.

Ø  Encourage Mentorship, Coaching and Counseling.

There is a need to remove the fear and contempt from the work ‘failure’ and accept it as a happening on the way to anything. It is the people who are important and they need to be helped and guided rather than judged and ridiculed. 

*DR. SAPNA SHARMA*