The Mental Agony of Marks Psychosis

With growing focus on the marks culture, the psychosis in the society is growing.
Parents are getting all high strung and forcing their children to score high and higher irrespective of whether the child has high and equal aptitude for every subject. They are going beyond their means to get them into tuition classes and schools just to ensure high marks.

Students on the other hand are either becoming rebels without a cause or are sharing the neurosis of their parents and the entire society. We are seeing mental stress and tension creeping in at a very early age where it has not place to be.

Hard work is good. But then it needs to be targeted right. Every action needs to have a well understood agreed upon intention and aim. Education in itself has a noble intention to help people gain knowledge and wisdom to live a physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually fulfilling life. Examinations were to help the students to understand where they stand, what are their strengths, what they can do better and how.

However, over the period of time both these noble intentions seem to have taken a back seat. Hardly anyone seems to be interested in thinking long term in terms of fulfillment and happiness. Though these seem to be the primary aims of almost all when asked about, the focus is on the immediate gratification. High marks have become the hallmark of instant gratification that seems to be the trend today. Lower marks represent doom of sorts.

Are there any winners? I doubt. The high scorers are assigned higher and higher targets till the time they lose themselves and their self-esteem drops hugely because of feeling unfulfilled in spite of all the high grades. While those who are not the academic achievers are made to feel a total loss by the society and the family hence they grope to gather a few shreds of their remaining self-esteem.

It is high time that we bring our focus back to what is really important. If all was ok only because of high marks then why do achievers go into depression and struggle with addiction? If not any of these, they do crave for self- identity once the rat race is over and so get into one new race after another.

Competition is good and high grades are great. But they are not the sole bearers of happiness and prosperity. There is a whole world that is open for all. Something interesting is waiting for each of us. However, the parents and students need to understand the limited role of marks in life like that of everything else and instead understand the importance of focus, attentions, learning, an application of knowledge for a fulfilling life. Let the children explore in your guidance. If they are moving ahead with knowing they will progress the best.

Marks or no marks, there is a beautiful world waiting to be explored by all equally. The school grades do not decide our success or failure. We have too many examples to prove this. Need is to open our eyes and hearts to this faith and celebrate whatever results we stand with today. Tomorrow can be made more fulfilling from any stage. Provided we keep the channel open with them.

Importance of Choosing the Right Career

We often wonder why there can be only one Dhirubhai Ambani, only one Narayan Murthy, only one Bill Gates, only one Albert Einstein and the likes? People take good education and work hard all their lives and yet manage to get through an average life collecting money for themselves and providing for their families. Somehow we do not take enough pains to think beyond that they might be extra ordinarily genius or purely in luck.

A deeper insight can show us something very obvious. All of these Achievers and many more like them have worked for and put their efforts where their natural aptitude and inclination was. It is a no- brainer to understand that when we do something that we are natural with, we produce extraordinary results.

Unfortunately, we choose the career that has given good results for others. So if a big brother has bagged a cushy job with engineering degree then we believe that engineering as a career is the best and so on. When we do not try to match our nature, our personality our aptitude to the demands of the career we enter into a land that is not for us. Then either we have to put in extra efforts just to sail through or we pass through the life with utter lack of any passion just because everyone does so and that we have to.

I can never over emphasize the importance of choosing a career that we are made for. Here I present for you my favorite story to illustrate my point. Hope it helps

A mother and a baby camel were lying around, and suddenly the baby camel asked, “mother, may I ask you some questions? Mother said, “Sure! Why son, is there something bothering you?

Baby said, “Why do camels have humps?” Mother said “Well son, we are desert animals, we need the humps to store water and we are known to survive without water”. Baby said, “Okay, then why are our legs long and our feet rounded?” Mother said, “Son, obviously they are meant for walking in the desert. You know with these legs I can move around the desert better than anyone does!” Baby said, “Okay, then why are our eyelashes long? Sometimes it bothers my sight”. Mother with pride said, “My son, those long thick eyelashes are your protective cover. They help to protect your eyes from the desert sand and wind”.

Baby after thinking said, “I see. So the hump is to store water when we are in the desert, the legs are for walking through the desert and these eye lashes protect my eyes from the desert then what in god’s name are we doing here in the Zoo!?”

Friends, students, parents and teachers, please take a note that these are mere animals and do not have much at stake, but we are people with real emotions, feelings, desires, aspirations and needs. If we do not choose a career suitable to our natural traits, we would spend most of this beautiful life feeling like we are living caged in a zoo often wondering what all beautiful and big things we could have achieved in this gifted life.

WHICH CAREER IS BEST FOR ME?

Career Guidance by Counselor Dr. Sapna Sharma. Image Source -  http://www.seaindia.in/blog/india/job-oriented-sound-enginering-course-in-india/

In India the choices of careers begin with Engineering, Medicine, Chartered Accountancy & Law. For many, it ends with one of these four. Undoubtedly these are good career options but the problem starts when we believe that these are the only ones. Of course parents wish for a progressive and ‘safe’ career for their children. Unfortunately these definitions of what is progressive and safe is based on a few successful examples in the society. Young students are influenced by the glamour around the career mostly based on the JEE Coaching classes hoardings and the tag of being called an Engineer.

No doubt that the above-mentioned careers are good, but so are any other carefully planned and executed careers. But there is a difference between a career that is ‘good’ and a career that is ‘good for that particular person’. This is simply based on the observation that not all engineers are successful, not all doctors well known, not all Chartered Accountants mint money, but some do. Then again, there are highly successful, famous Journalists, Chefs, Artists, Designers, Entrepreneurs, Trainers, Therapists and so on.

If we really are looking for a career that will give us what we want in life then we would look for a career that matches our personality and aptitude rather than blindly follow the masses that say only certain careers are good.

Students can start with observing themselves and parents can look into what their children really are without any bias or prejudice. If you are considering a career in Engineering then do analyze whether tinkering with mechanical things, household repairs, going into the technical aspect of computers or scooters and cars at home come naturally to the student? A person who is very good at drawing and is basically creative by nature would rarely make a good Engineer even if they manage to secure admission in an Engineering college. Most of these students are unhappy and not able to cope with the studies. Even after they pass out they are basically degree holders and not Engineers and hence have problems growing in the career.

If the students or the parents are not able to understand the basic personality and trait of the child, taking an aptitude test with an experienced counselor would help you understand the student and take the right career decision.

We do much research in selecting our clothes and deciding where to eat then how can we simply decide to take up a career just because everyone else says is good?

Brand Craze among Teens

Dealing with the craze of brands among kids is a major worry of many parents.

I received many queries in response to my previous article on the same subject.

Let us consider one fairly common concern, see how many of us can connect

with it and try to see a way around it.

“My worry is that youth around 17-18 years have problems like if you wear

something exclusive then only friends acknowledge you or they get closer to you...

We try to explain, that it is all temporary... Your inner things help you a lot, but ,

difficult for him to swallow it... He got lot of acknowledgement being a sportsperson,

good behaved person and equally higher side bright student (not 90, but we r fine)

in the school... We try to explain.. the same.. but.. still not succeed.. we will keep

trying.... But need more light on it”

Well that is what 17 years of age is. It wants to confirm and be accepted and

applauded. Is it bad? No. It just is. That is the age around which we start to

explore ourselves. Before that the sense of self had not developed much.

Individuality is not always appreciated as our education system is all about

conformity - in uniform dress code and behavioral patterns. Now when they

can move around in casual wear they see a chance to see and exhibit

their individuality. Wanting to be different and the best seems to obvious.

So,,, no, they are not wrong. Most youngsters at that age have not been able

to make their mark so again clothes seem to be an easier way to impress.

But even in cases like the one example above, we need to understand that

we have different facets to our personality and even if we are doing good

in some, that doesn’t take away the need to excel or at least be special in

other ways too.  

Your argument as an adult is also right that “It is what is inside that really

matters”, but please consider their age. Think of ourselves at that age.

Most of us did not have access to money and brands while growing up so

we could not indulge, but didn’t we indulge in whatever way was possible?

We wanted to be special too. We would borrow sarees and shirts from friends

and family to look our best wherever possible. The only difference is that

they are surrounded by options from across the globe on just one click.

If we have expressed our ability to pay for expensive things around

them then they cannot understand why not to indulge in the best.

So firstly, we need to understand that they are just teenagers

and it is not their age to understand philosophy. Then what should be

our approach?

I believe moderation is the way. According to your affordability indulge
them sometimes and refuse the other. Especially if the children are internally
motivated and responsible towards their duty and students, we can definitely
indulge them once in a while. But what if they want it every time?

Children develop the habit of pressurizing and emotionally blackmailing the
parents when they learn that parents always say ‘no’ to everything to begin
with but turn around after they throw some tantrums. Also when there is
a lot of display of money around them they believe that they can and should easily have
what they demand. Here is when the role of parenting comes in.

1. Husband and wife should always decide what they are going to agree on and what not.

Once one parent has said ‘no’ the other should not overrule it.
2. Once you have said a reasonable ‘no’, stick to it.

3. If later you feel that you wish to change your ‘no’ to a ‘yes’ don’t do it immediately.

Wait for an opportunity where the child can be told that as a reward for his hard work in

studies or anything else, they can have the branded ware they were asking for.

4. If there are financial problems in the family, share them with children occasionally.

They need to know. Many parents do not want to share such details with the children

because they don’t want to ‘burden’ them. Eventually when the unsuspecting children

put forth their demands these same parents blame the child for not being understanding.

5. Also get in to the habit of offering genuine praise whenever your children are dressed to

go out, especially when they wear something non- branded but elegant and fitting. Occasionally

when they wear the brand also let them know that they make the brands look better because

of their personality. Of course all this has to be genuine and not obvious or frequent enough for

the child to suspect foul play.

6. Let them know they are unique at every possible occasion.

Remember, children are not ready for philosophy of life. They may actually detest it.
We have to do it their way. Understand that a lot of branded high end stuff is really good.
Our aim is not to stop our children from dreaming of and wanting to be seen in brands only,
the aim is that they can value money and value brands for their quality and not just the
brand logo.

Children & their Demands for Branded Things

Recently on one of my videos on parenting, I received question from a mother that said,
“Children know more about brand than parents.... because of the influence of the outside
world parents do not to teach them as many a times parents wear simple things through
out their lives but children need branded wares.... That is also other side of the coin...
Suggest how parents can deal with this situation.”

I think almost all the parents today are facing the same situation so wanted to share this
with you.

I believe children are attracted to what the world shows them, There is nothing wrong
with asking for the brands, the problem is when they do not value the money that is spent
for the same and when they are seeking the particular brand not for its inherent value or
goodness but for competing with their peers. A few things if followed in the house hold
right from beginning can bring some monetary discipline in children:
1. Never try to show that we can buy anything they ask for even when they are 2 years
old cute and they ask for not so expensive things. The awareness among parents has to
be right from the birth of the child. The child does not understand the cost or value, for
him it is just a fact that my parents can get me anything that i ask for. 

2. If children ask for something specific let them know that it will be given to them against
their next good results (Unless it is too expensive for you). This is to let them know that they
have to earn their luxuries just like the rest of us and for them the responsibility is studying

3. Ensure that whenever the children get money as gifts it is to be deposited with the parent
till at least they finish class 10th. The parents have to be accountable to gain the children's
trust by putting away the money in a separate envelope marked with the child's name and not
using it for any other purpose. Occasionally when the parents feel right the children can be
allowed to use the money out of their savings after discussing the need. 

4. Let children take up odd jobs around the house so that they can earn. This teaches them the
hard work that goes into earning each penny. Also if it is a regular job that the child takes up
like dusting every day etc, ensure that you deduct the day’s pay from their salary if they miss
out even one day. (Except when sick or out on school project )

5. After around the age of 10 take them with you for grocery and vegetable shopping and make
them calculate and pay for what is bought so they know how expensive it is to run a normal
household which they normally take for granted.

6. In this series then let them know the difference between necessities and luxuries. Tell them
your responsibility is to ensure that their needs are taken care of .For their wants, like the
brands. They have to earn and save.

So many other ways can be added to this depending upon the household members, income and the personality of the child. However it is very important that ONCE YOU SAY NO TO SOMETHING- STICK TO IT, even if they throw bad tantrums.  Remember children will demand, that is their nature, but if you keep giving them just to free yourself of their tantrums, they will never learn the value. Rather what they will learn is, the price of everything is a good tantrum.

Whatever you do, the keyword is CONSISTENCY. Eventually they learn.