Appreciation Therapy by Dr.Sapna Sharma

APPRECIATION THERAPY- By Dr. SAPNA SHARMA

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Did anyone ever say to you, “You are the best!” or something similar? I can bet that the very thought of that memory, even if it had happened years back, would bring sparkle to your eyes and warmth in your heart.

That is the magic of appreciation. Two words, just two are enough. “Hi beautiful” said even by a stranger makes the day. We know it. We have all experienced it. Doesn’t matter what the praise is about but the feeling is same- simply great. We want to believe every word said in our praise. We know we all crave for this feeling of being praised. Why else do we keep checking back for comments ever few minutes when we post anything on the social media?

We know it. We want it and we use it to encourage people or to impress them in formal settings. And yet we are so stingy when it comes to giving out praises to our friends and family. In fact we find every reason not to do it.

When I was growing up the adult Buzz- word was: “Don’t praise the children or you will spoil them!!”  And boy! Did they follow it to the hilt!! I grew up believing there was nothing good about me. And trust me- that hurts!!

You know it of course. And yet it is so difficult to appreciate those who are really dependent on us for their dose of praise! Interestingly most of us find it rather awkward to say good things to people close to us. Things like ‘I love you’, ‘you are so handsome’,  ‘you are the best child a parent could have’ and more find place only in a very few households. Rest of us believe that such things are not be expressed only experienced especially by the close ones.

If that is so then why do we express our anger and our disapproval so often and in so many words too? We can even justify some of our physical and mental violence under the pretext of “they deserve it”. What surprises me is that those bad words said with real rage, that hysterical shouting, those emotional neglects…all those really bad things we do so very easily and so frequently but are so very shy even to tell our spouse simple words like, “I love you, you are the best.”

There is magic in appreciation. We expect great relationships, loyal partners and obedient loving children. We get them things that money can buy and spend our days and nights to earn for that, but we do not make efforts to consciously think what wonders a few words can do. Often I meet people who make no efforts to say those few inexpensive words even when their partners tell them so directly and beg them to do so. They brush it away with, “these are all so cheap, superficial things”. Parents reprimand their children for not being confident, bosses chastise employees, but find it so difficult to engage in systematic appreciation routine to raise their self-esteem. And then if your need  appreciation, how are they different from you?

All it needs is a desire to genuinely see your loved ones happy and confident. It is easy, most inexpensive way to relationships of love, harmony and loyalty. Do try it!

Dr. Sapna Sharma

Spiritual Counselor, Life Coach, Author & Speaker

FAILURE: The human side of the story By Dr.Sapna Sharma

FAILURE: The human side of the story

This is funny. We rush and run and then we run some more. We push and shove and shame and defeat. Then there are the lies and the shortcuts that are the snakes in our cupboard. All for that one thing called as “Success”. It is important and hence we are trained for it.

But what is success? Ask this and wait for all the philosophical answers that you can tolerate. Then ask again “What is success?” And keep on asking till you get the one universal definition that rules the world- “ Success is doing better, having better, earning better, vacationing better,spending capacity better than… better than?... better than XYZ…”

I want to stop sometimes, I want to focus on other things that seem to be more important for me- peace, contentment, happiness, companionship, adventure… but it seems that I have been programmed to be in the race and try to be better… they say it is called “SUCCESS”.

And so when I go by this definition of success another definition automatically springs up as a corollary, “If you are not successful – you are a failure” and that is when it hurts. Stand- alone, ‘failure’ may not be so poisonous but it is given to us as an OPPOSITE of success. Thus it becomes a double- edged sword. It hurts further because while the whole system was teaching me how to succeed none ever guided me towards how to deal with failures… for that matter this ‘F’ word was never as much uttered except in utter disgust and contempt. While the parameters of success were being glorified at every stage failure, had no definite destination …it was presumed to be there every time success eluded us.

However, notable fact is that ‘failure’ does not have the same devastating effect on all and some others keep on growing leaps and bounds as if they have never experienced ‘failure’. Well we know they have because none is ever spared of failures. Yet some triumph while others remain ordinary and are often seen sighting their ‘unfortunate’ failures.

Also it can be observed that Adult “failure” is many fold more dangerous and destructive than its juvenile counterpart. Simply because in early life the stakes were mostly material – rank or no rank, prize or no prize, celebration or no… you get the drift…Hence the hurt was mostly short lived. But adult failure is much more beyond what appears- it is not about the promotion, the money the project success or the incentives- it is about the most sensitive parameters of all- SELF ESTEEM.

Now failure is actually a simple phenomenon where one is not able to achieve or perform what one is supposed to or expected to. Examine the statement again. It makes this whole business of ‘failure’ so innocent. But add one small dose of ‘low self- esteem’ to it and the whole thing becomes at once complicated. The difference between the failure of a self- assured person and that of a person with low or negative self- esteem is huge.

*A self -assured person would*:

Ø  Not take the failure personally.

Ø  He would be able to put it in the context of the time and circumstances.

Ø  He would evaluate and be ready for a second try with new strategies and renewed confidence.

Ø  For them the failure is just the other side of the coin of success.

On the other hand a person with low self- esteem would:

Ø  Look at failure as personal sin, it would incite in him the feelings of guilt, shame, anger, revenge etc.

Ø  He would be looking for a scape-goat to put it on.

Ø  He may either try to shy away from the whole project in question or create such an environment that others would take it away from him.

Ø  He would most probably never accept his share of responsibility for the failure and hence the question of learning from the failure and the prospect of analysis and enthusiastic re start is almost negligible.

Ø  He can even be aggressive and spiteful just so to detach attention from the feeling of having failed.

Ø  Such a person often live in stress and is known to shirk responsibilities of change and start up as they are afraid of failure.

Ø  He usually has negative attitude towards anything new or different and would often discourage boss and colleagues from taking it up.

When observed and understood from this perspective it is obvious that:

Ø  Failure is not an absolute phenomenon.

Ø  The responses to failure are of bigger concern than the failure itself.

Ø  Individuals may respond differently to the same failure depending upon their confidence and self-esteem.

Ø  Individuals with low self- esteem can create cascading negativity from even a small or innocent failure.

Ø  Self- confident, self-assured individuals can create failures into learning opportunities and use them for higher performance.

*In Conclusion*:

To ensure minimal damages due to failure of projects and processes and relationships it is important to:

Ø  Work on creating positive and mutually supportive work and home environment.

Ø  Create a custom of ‘TIME OUT’ where in each person compulsorily spends quite time with self minus any gadgets- this encourages introspection.

Ø  Invest in raising the self- esteem of people by regular and result oriented behavioral trainings and counseling services.

Ø  Give opportunities to employees and family members to keep learning and enhancing their personal qualifications and skills in order to boost their self-esteem.

Ø  Encourage Mentorship, Coaching and Counseling.

There is a need to remove the fear and contempt from the work ‘failure’ and accept it as a happening on the way to anything. It is the people who are important and they need to be helped and guided rather than judged and ridiculed. 

*DR. SAPNA SHARMA*

IT'S ABOUT THE INDIVIDUAL (Inside every EMPLOYEE) By Dr Sapna Sharma

People are very interesting in the sense that they are each very unique and have a strong individuality in their personality. However, they gather under the umbrella of an organization that caters to some of their needs. Initially the focus is on the fulfillment of those outer worldly needs. In time those aims of joining the organization or cause come to be a routine and that is when the unrest peeks up its head.

I support my statement with this representation from one of the greatest psychologist of his time… Abraham Maslow.

Maslow stated that “Every person has a strong desire to realize his or her full potential, to ultimately reach a level of “self-actualization”. However, he climbs up to the next steps of needs when his first step has been fulfilled.

An important corollary states that: When one step on the needs and desires hierarchy has been fulfilled the person lives in restlessness till he can climb on to the next step.

Most people who take a regular accepted direction to education and employment and family settlement reach up to the third step in a normal course of life.

In our materialistic world the focus is on material growth. That is the reason that once the stage three is reached the race is only for more money, more possession, more power and yet the motivation, drive and satisfaction does not come out of it leading to frustration, wavering focus, looking for something new and lucrative.

Organizations suffer from mid life job changers or loyalty changers most. Their focus is on bettering the material perks and yet the response is rarely positive.

This is when the decision makers need to realize that everything in about an “INDIVIDUAL”. And it is different for each one of us. This is the time when the individual in them has to be addressed. This is when they have to be shown what exists beyond where they stand — namely the step four and step five. That is the way the best people we have, need to be made aware of WHO THEY ARE and they have to be helped to explore this question every once in a while.

A self aware person is more focused on tasks and goals as their self- awareness extends to about everything around them. Their efforts to what they do are enhanced because they have a personal reason for their performance rather than just the goal of the organization. They have to be encouraged and guided to explore their route to the next steps. Self realization and self actualization comes from different path to each person. These people have to be motivated to explore their INDIVIDUALITY, exposed to motivation and supported in their path.

Allotting Mentors and Coaches to mid level and senior staff is a definite step towards ensuring motivated, happy staff all the way.

A person on a path of personal growth is the best asset to any organization. Loyalties would be always with them who encourage them on this path.