HAVE STRESS? –SHARE IT!

We all siblings would create some issue or other for our parents to handle. Of course, we didn’t mean it that way. We just thought we were very smart!! To our parents, that would simply spell as Trouble with a capital ‘T’. But my father would often discuss those issues with people around- friends, family, colleagues. Frankly to me it simply meant embarrassment. “Why can’t he keep the family matters to the family?” but he grew stronger every day.

Years later as I sit in my office counselling distressed families and couples and parents, one thing that strikes me is that they all want their troubles and problems to be buried inside my chamber. Often I hear this, “We don’t share our problems with anyone. They would only make fun of my child… anyway my brother in law thinks very high of himself”

 

 No wonder we are stressed and under tremendous pressure to appear good and ideal in every way. We can’t share. As a generation, we are obsessed with creating an ideal pictures of us and our families. A task that is almost next to impossible. We would have flaws till such time that we are still humans. But we do not wish to accept that.

 I meet beautiful looking people, some with wealth overflowing and others with degrees and certificates that cannot be accommodated on one wall. And they are stressed. Almost breaking inside every moment in a desperate attempt to hold their masks of ‘perfection’ in place. They fight among themselves and abuse their challenging children but then they put on their masks with wide smiles to the outside world. We show this photo-shopped picture to not just the random world but to our closest family and friends. We cannot accept that things can be wrong with us.

 We as a generation are expending huge energy on hiding our pain and trying to prove to the world that there is nothing wrong with us. Hence we can’t even ask for solutions. Try sharing for once. Try asking for help. You may not get an immediate solution but the moment you share half your burden is taken care of. You may cry while sharing and that takes care of some more of your stress. And now you have one more head and 2 more hands to help sort out your troubles. If not anything there is one place you can be yourself, not pretend to be perfect and enjoy a genuine smile or tear.

Life would continue to offer challenges, children would fall in love and spouses would cheat. Bosses may be partial and we might be cheated on. But that is life. Why feel ashamed? You are not the only on in this world to face it. Try sharing and you would be better equipped to face it without unnecessary stress of pretending to be perfect.

FAILURE: The human side of the story By Dr.Sapna Sharma

FAILURE: The human side of the story

This is funny. We rush and run and then we run some more. We push and shove and shame and defeat. Then there are the lies and the shortcuts that are the snakes in our cupboard. All for that one thing called as “Success”. It is important and hence we are trained for it.

But what is success? Ask this and wait for all the philosophical answers that you can tolerate. Then ask again “What is success?” And keep on asking till you get the one universal definition that rules the world- “ Success is doing better, having better, earning better, vacationing better,spending capacity better than… better than?... better than XYZ…”

I want to stop sometimes, I want to focus on other things that seem to be more important for me- peace, contentment, happiness, companionship, adventure… but it seems that I have been programmed to be in the race and try to be better… they say it is called “SUCCESS”.

And so when I go by this definition of success another definition automatically springs up as a corollary, “If you are not successful – you are a failure” and that is when it hurts. Stand- alone, ‘failure’ may not be so poisonous but it is given to us as an OPPOSITE of success. Thus it becomes a double- edged sword. It hurts further because while the whole system was teaching me how to succeed none ever guided me towards how to deal with failures… for that matter this ‘F’ word was never as much uttered except in utter disgust and contempt. While the parameters of success were being glorified at every stage failure, had no definite destination …it was presumed to be there every time success eluded us.

However, notable fact is that ‘failure’ does not have the same devastating effect on all and some others keep on growing leaps and bounds as if they have never experienced ‘failure’. Well we know they have because none is ever spared of failures. Yet some triumph while others remain ordinary and are often seen sighting their ‘unfortunate’ failures.

Also it can be observed that Adult “failure” is many fold more dangerous and destructive than its juvenile counterpart. Simply because in early life the stakes were mostly material – rank or no rank, prize or no prize, celebration or no… you get the drift…Hence the hurt was mostly short lived. But adult failure is much more beyond what appears- it is not about the promotion, the money the project success or the incentives- it is about the most sensitive parameters of all- SELF ESTEEM.

Now failure is actually a simple phenomenon where one is not able to achieve or perform what one is supposed to or expected to. Examine the statement again. It makes this whole business of ‘failure’ so innocent. But add one small dose of ‘low self- esteem’ to it and the whole thing becomes at once complicated. The difference between the failure of a self- assured person and that of a person with low or negative self- esteem is huge.

*A self -assured person would*:

Ø  Not take the failure personally.

Ø  He would be able to put it in the context of the time and circumstances.

Ø  He would evaluate and be ready for a second try with new strategies and renewed confidence.

Ø  For them the failure is just the other side of the coin of success.

On the other hand a person with low self- esteem would:

Ø  Look at failure as personal sin, it would incite in him the feelings of guilt, shame, anger, revenge etc.

Ø  He would be looking for a scape-goat to put it on.

Ø  He may either try to shy away from the whole project in question or create such an environment that others would take it away from him.

Ø  He would most probably never accept his share of responsibility for the failure and hence the question of learning from the failure and the prospect of analysis and enthusiastic re start is almost negligible.

Ø  He can even be aggressive and spiteful just so to detach attention from the feeling of having failed.

Ø  Such a person often live in stress and is known to shirk responsibilities of change and start up as they are afraid of failure.

Ø  He usually has negative attitude towards anything new or different and would often discourage boss and colleagues from taking it up.

When observed and understood from this perspective it is obvious that:

Ø  Failure is not an absolute phenomenon.

Ø  The responses to failure are of bigger concern than the failure itself.

Ø  Individuals may respond differently to the same failure depending upon their confidence and self-esteem.

Ø  Individuals with low self- esteem can create cascading negativity from even a small or innocent failure.

Ø  Self- confident, self-assured individuals can create failures into learning opportunities and use them for higher performance.

*In Conclusion*:

To ensure minimal damages due to failure of projects and processes and relationships it is important to:

Ø  Work on creating positive and mutually supportive work and home environment.

Ø  Create a custom of ‘TIME OUT’ where in each person compulsorily spends quite time with self minus any gadgets- this encourages introspection.

Ø  Invest in raising the self- esteem of people by regular and result oriented behavioral trainings and counseling services.

Ø  Give opportunities to employees and family members to keep learning and enhancing their personal qualifications and skills in order to boost their self-esteem.

Ø  Encourage Mentorship, Coaching and Counseling.

There is a need to remove the fear and contempt from the work ‘failure’ and accept it as a happening on the way to anything. It is the people who are important and they need to be helped and guided rather than judged and ridiculed. 

*DR. SAPNA SHARMA*

SPIRITUAL PARENTING LESSONS FROM OUR CHILDREN

Spiritual Parenting, as the name suggests is about connecting with kids spiritually while helping them grow. An instant connection with Kids.Remember those cute things your little one says? There are the times when they are hilarious and at other times precocious for their age. Many a time they sound disrespectful and uncaring and then they compensate with the cuddles and kisses that weaken us over and over again. Well, Parenting is a challenge and many a times overwhelming. It being our first time, we are burdened with the tasks of disciplining, teaching and providing and thus fail to see the bigger picture, the real purpose of rearing a child- An opportunity to grow spiritually.

For once, before your children grow up, sit back and reflect on this other side of parenting. Think about the innumerable lessons in life that you have got since you became parents. The gibberish that made you wonder so many times, had many a profound meanings, the statements that came as disrespect, were embedded with messages on relationship management . In fact, the acts of defiance in retrospect could have been lessons in managing expectations. These lessons can be easily lost when we are engaged in molding the child to be what we want it to be.

Here asking one right question to our-self can perhaps put things in clearer perspective, “What do we really want FOR our children?” Note that it is FOR them and not FROM them. This verse by kahalil Gibran in ‘The Prophecy’ can perhaps be the guiding light:
“ Your Children are not your children
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself
They come through you but not from you
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you
…You may give them your love, but not your thoughts
For they have their own thoughts
You may house their bodies, But not their souls
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow
Which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams”.
This realization in itself is the beginning of a spiritual revelation .

True spiritual books contain a high vibration and when you read and work with them, they propel you into a much higher way of living.The book connects the concepts ofparenting with spirituality and explores a set of diverse ideas of God versus religion, right and wrong, happiness and self-esteem. A chapter on Labels is a unique read that explores the idea of labels through different scenarios.