Most marriages turn boring and ordinary by the time they reach the 5th or 6th anniversary. Everything seems to be dull and routine and also kind of compulsive. What can be the possible reason behind this?
Most marriages today, whether arranged or love, start with enthusiasm, romance, love and attraction. The feeling of being with the partner is nice. There is a desire to keep feeling even the slightest touch of the partner. There are stolen kisses and hugs and all of that brings flutter to the hearts.
Then what happens to something that started so beautifully? Let us examine.
In typical marriages today, the first child enters around the 4th or 5th year of the marriage, sometimes even earlier. Till such time there is usually a lot of love and romance. Even during pregnancy the romance is seen for most of the couples. And then the child is born.
There is something about the birth of the child that the parents usually both or sometimes at least one, starts to believe that they are morally bound to live only for the child now. No doubt children are demanding, but it is not the child who is asking you to give all your attention to it. The child needs to be cared for and fed and cleaned and fed again, but no child has ever said to its parents “Please stop having a life because I am here now”.
Interestingly it is not only about a small baby that needs to be attended to, but even as the children grow up, I have seen parents fussing over them at all times. Especially the mothers who believe that if they think of themselves even for a minute it would be the biggest sin.
Remember, when the child is born the parents are still young and ideally their physical, emotional and mental needs are still as strong as they were before the child was born. But somehow one or both the parents believe the child should be the only focus now.
The children too, smart enough at an early age, sense this special status being given to it. It starts demanding more and more of your time and sanity.
Unfortunately, the very reason the child was born, the love and attachment between two young people, begins to take the back seat. For a woman the sexual desires can be suppressed if she is not thinking much about it, but nature works in a different way for the men. Many women start to avoid their husbands under the pretext of being tired or making him feel guilty about his needs over the needs of the child.
Then there are of course financial responsibilities and other tensions and stressors that keep feeding this general disinterest in each other.
One day the children grow up and leave the house, or even if they are in the house they become more self centered. But by that time the marriage of the couple has become dull and drab.
This is a typical story of an Indian marriage. But it doesn’t have to happen this way. One simple solution can be to ensure that there is one date night for the couple every week. This is the evening that has to be designated to romance and affection. Act and behave as you did in your teens. Make arrangements for the kid or kids to be taken care of. If evening is not possible you can send the kids to creche or play house during the day and steal that time for yourself.
I know all couples do not have the luxury to move out alone, but I am sure if you can think of it you can find a way out. When the kid is very small you can take it along in a pram but still call it a date night showering each other with love and affection.
A simple ritual as one date night a week can bring the magic back into your marriage. Start today, no matter if you are 30,40, 50, 60 or beyond.
If you believe this can help someone, do share. To connect with me for relationship counseling, send WhatsApp message on 8446229088 from wherever you are in the world.
