How to Improve Communication in Relationships

Every day in lockdown I am hearing from people having major issues with their family members. While many are using this time as a family bonding time, many others are desperately waiting for the lockdown to open. Grown up children are locking themselves up in their room and parents are getting frustrated trying to get them to participate in the family. Couples are looking to steal moments and corners of the house to stay away from their partners. Many are reporting constant fights on small pretexts.

The question is why do we reach such a place? Agreed, we cannot like everything about our partners or our children or parents, but, why is it getting difficult to be civil with each other?

The major reason is communication gaps amongst the family members. 

The most important aspect of communication is the one that does not fit easily into the definition

of communication   – Expectations. We communicate largely as a response to our expectations from others. If you were to observe, when we are expecting love, we approach a person with loving communication. While we are expecting hostility our approaching communication is defensive or offensive.

When we live together we have many expectations from everyone. These expectations are largely based on our understanding of how the other person should be. How much we expect the partner to contribute in house work, how much do we expect the children to study, behave or contribute to the household, What kind of expectations we have from our in-laws etc. 

When we communicate with these expectations in mind we may many times sound offensive, demanding, even nagging. Naturally, the other person responds in similar emotions.

For example, parents expect children to either study or behave as close to Godliness as possible. Parents, who are most of the time engaged in using some gadget or the other, expect children to only use gadgets for studies and otherwise not touch it. So when a parent sees the children engaged in their phone sets, they start the communication from the position of ‘upset’. 

If we wish to work on our relationships for better, it is important to examine our expectations first. Let us accept that gadgets are here to stay and the ‘new normal’ for our children. Let us accept that teenagers do not like to spend a lot of time with their parents and that they have lot of secrets that they share with their friends, that our partners also need space every now and then and just because we are married does not meant they have to spend every minute of their free time with us… and so on..

Once we accept the basic reality of ourselves and the important people in our life, we can have much smoother communication most of the time. There would still be confrontations, we will still have to restrict the screen time for the kids but we will be able to approach the issue from a position of acceptance. This would ensure more peace in communication.

If you believe this can help someone, do share. To connect with me for relationship counseling, send WhatsApp message on 8446229088 from wherever you are in the world.

Sexual incompatibility & the youth

With rapid changes in the society, expectations and definitions of ‘normal’ are also changing fast. Complaining about sex related issues has majorly been a male territory in the Indian society, however more and more women are seen talking about their sexual dissatisfaction and expectations. Also, Both men and women seem to be more aware of their physical needs and are more comfortable in expressing it. This also means that relationships and marriages are also breaking on the grounds of persistent sexual dissatisfaction of either of the partners.

We now need to start looking at marriage with a new set of eyes. In most arranged marriages there is a lot of awkwardness and social reservation that stops potential couples from discussing this important aspect of a marriage. Even today most parents would not be happy if their son or daughter wishes to discuss individual sexual orientation and inhibitions if any with their potential partners.

But the times have changed. Can we open our eyes and see? In earlier times marriage was a non-negotiable union. Whatever may be the incompatibility, the couple was supposed to make do with it. Also, then sex was supposed to be a predominantly male forte. The women were not even supposed to have desires and the aim of physical reunion was for the satisfaction of the man and for procreation. So even if the woman was not satisfied, there was no way she could have expressed it. Thus the issues would remain buried under the garb of an ideal marriage.

We need to understand that women are no longer tolerating anything less than total satisfaction with their man in every aspect of coupledom. Also, since women of today are liberated and financially self-sufficient, they have no reason to settle for anything less especially when it comes to physical, mental and emotional satisfaction.

We need to encourage our marriageable children that when they discuss potential marriage and talk about each other’s income, parents, job, friends and lifestyle, they need to have an open discussion about each other’s sexual orientation, understanding and expectations. Especially in India where arranged marriages are still prevalent and openness and free meetings are not always feasible. 

I have come across couples in relationships where one of the partners is consistently resisting physical intimacy on some pretext or the other. The youth needs to understand that if they are planning to get married it is important to establish the truth about the reason behind avoiding sex and intimacy. Marriage is a life-time commitment and each person needs to think that “if their partner is not interested in intimacy would they be okay with it for the rest of their life?” 

These are practical questions and need to be considered seriously at least when considering marriage.

If you believe this can help someone, do share. To connect with me for relationship counseling, send WhatsApp message on 8446229088 from wherever you are in the world.

Marriage – Good Compromise or Bad Compromise?

They say marriage is a compromise. And I do agree. But compromise does not have to be a negative word always. 

For the new generation, the meaning of marriage seems to have changed. A generation that is being brought up by parents as prince and princesses and the center of their universe, is growing up believing that life is all about them. They believe that like their parents, everyone else should also be revolving around them and everyone else should carry the responsibility of making their life comfortable and entertaining like their parents did for them.

We are not here to discuss what is good and what is not, this is what the marriageable generations typically look like. And one word this generation has hardly heard is ‘compromise’.  The parents of this generation had compromise in their middle name and hence they have taken special care that the apple of their eye should not have to compromise over anything. And believe me this has nothing to do with money. I have seen this same phenomenon in the homes of the rich, the not so rich and the poor. Parents are trying to provide the best that they can to their children as if trying to get some vicarious pleasure of feeling satisfied with their job as parents. 

This generation then when it enters the institution of marriage, looks at every small adjustment and compromise to be negative and ‘anti-me’. The reaction to smallest compromise expectation is usually huge, many a time ending in the end of the relationship.

Unfortunately these youngsters then get close to others and since these others are still outsiders and do not expect any adjustments and change, they start believing that this new relationship is the good one. That utopia lasts till familiarity brings expectations in that new relationship and the cycle goes on. 

Parents, it is important to talk about “Good Compromise” with your sweethearts. They need to be oriented with the fact that when we want to live with someone for the reason of love, we need to change a little, adjust some more and at times compromise for the sake of the same love. I am not saying suggest them to tolerate insults and torture, but wanting to change and compromise for the one you love should be coming from a place of love.

Life is about companionship and relationships. That is what is happiness all about. That is what being human is all about. If we bring up our children to be self centered and rigid, we have to see them suffer in the later half of their life.

If you believe this can help someone, do share. To connect with me for relationship counseling, send WhatsApp message on 8446229088 from wherever you are in the world.