Effect of Male-Female Socializing on Relationships

Boys and girls are getting into relationships at a very young age. Among marriages, live-ins, committed relationships and Casual hook ups almost everyone seems to be in some kind of relationship or other. But the last decade has been seeing a very interesting phenomenon along with all these relationships.

So we are modern people and we believe friendships with the opposite gender is a norm that needs to be easily accepted. What we are deliberately trying not to see are the multitude of complications arising out of this so called ‘modern’ outlook.

Common observation: Two people are in a relationship and one or both of them believe in being close friends with one or more people of the opposite gender. Looks good so far. But since they are in a relationship or married, they consider themselves to be in a ‘SAFE’ zone. Practically meaning they or their friend cannot get physically or emotionally attracted towards each other. And so they spend time together- in person and on digital media. The need to share with each other goes on increasing and so does the desire to spend time with each other.

Unfortunately very few of these friendships remain friendships. Eventually some kind of attraction and dependence develops. This is especially because the relationship with the spouse or the lover has gone from romantic to routine. They have stopped saying all the lovey-dovey things to each other and there is hardly any need felt to appreciate the other. The practicality of life has taken over and one can no more feel the ‘butterflies’ when together.

But the relationship with the ‘close friend’ is still beyond the demands of life. So there is sharing and talking and appreciating and that feels good. That actually feels very good. And that is when the trouble starts.

The partner starts feeling discomfort with the closeness of their partner with the friend. When confronted, the defensive partner resorts to name- calling and blame the partner to be ‘narrow minded’. These episodes are then shared with the ‘friend’ with an obvious portrayal of self as a victim. The ‘friend’ obviously supports. And Very sadly the partner starts to appear like the controlling villain.

We are all seeing this around us and many of us are playing one of the three parts described above. The question is, ‘is it so difficult to understand that modernization has nothing to do with the male- female chemistry?’ It is nature and nature have specific reasons for having created the two genders. They are meant to attract. And a long association between is known to build attraction, even between the same sexes.

People complain that relationships do not last as they used to. We can see the reason why. When there is already an alternative present to share and feel good with, we give up on relationships too early and whenever possible jump to the next simpler appearing option.

If we are looking for loving, long- term relationships we need to invest more in our intimate relationships than focusing on building social circles.

Talking about Sex in Relationships

Sex, one of the important ingredients of adult love relationship, is one of the least talked about aspect of love. Taboos, social restrictions, personal awkwardness, gender based prejudices and ignorance- one or more of these are the often-sighted reasons. However, interestingly, many people who regularly indulge in sexual activities also are not comfortable in talking about it. 

Of course these are personal choices, but in a committed relationship like marriage or live-in when the couple is not comfortable in talking about this important ingredient of love, there are often major dissatisfaction observed in their relationships.

In conservative societies Sex is a taboo subject and to circumvent the problems arising out of it, the whole need to talk is buried under the cute pretext of “Our culture does not permit it”.  That may have had its relevance a decade back but today, when sex is no longer a closet issue of the married, not talking about it is increasingly creating many other problems in the relationships. 

About 2 decade back sex was majorly a male interest and what ever they understood or did was considered to be the normal. However today the women have started exploring their sexuality and are very vocal about their needs and satisfaction. It is observed that under these circumstances many women are reaching out to relationship counselors and sexologists about non- performance or disinterest of their spouses or boyfriends in sex, an aspect that was totally kept under wraps just a few years ago.

It is important to understand that with most people exploring sex before marriage it is no longer a hush-hush thing. Rather, in the absence of proper knowledge and understanding many couples are deprived of the beauty of mutually satisfying sex. 

In my counseling practice I come across many couples that approach for some issues in the relationship. When I ask about the sex and intimacy almost all of them have one or the other issue in this area. Mostly, one of them has either not been interested in sex since the beginning or they have lost interest very soon into the marriage. The other partner has been forced to accept it as they have found it more difficult to talk about it among themselves or to an expert. 

Most of these couples have never talked about each other’s preferences, likes, dislikes etc. regarding sex. They have had sex, they have borne children but the awkwardness about talking has always been there. 

I believe it is high time that we need to start talking about this very important aspect of our life. Sex with a willing partner with love and romance can be the ultimate of pleasures provided, both are able to participate with confidence and desire. This can happen only when it is openly talked about between the couple. As a society and parents we need to start talking with our children at the right time, and at least before they are married off. This is our responsibility.  Both genders need to understand the difference between the male and female sexuality, needs and responses in order to experience the beauty. 

If not comfortable, do not hesitate to approach a counselor or sexologist.

Do you Blame your Partner for your Unhappiness?

What is the biggest killer of any relationship? 

Not having personal space. I do not mean physical space. Space in terms of a time zone when we can be with ourselves and having a mental space where we can be ourselves and not living in relation to others.

The concept of love, as most of us understand, is in many ways binding. It is popularly believed that once we have the love of our life, we can stop looking out for ourselves. We feel good being with each other but then we want that feel good to occupy all of our life. We find more and more reasons to be together and the rest of the time we want to be wrapped in the thought of our muse or be on phone either talking or chatting with ... you know who.

No problem with this. It is a nice feeling to begin with. I know that. But the problem starts when in order to be with our loved one, physically or mentally, we take all our attention from ourselves. Eventually, when the initial spike of passion starts coming down, at least one of us has to be involved in daily chores and we spend less and less time with each other, we begin to feel a sudden emptiness within. 

Often this is when the drama begins. We blame our partner for not being the same person they used to be in the initial courtship period. We feel neglected and cheated on while they start feeling nagged and distrusted. That’s how the relationship starts to deteriorate.

But it doesn’t have to be this way. Only if we can recognize ours and our partner’s need for being ourselves, we would not be giving up our entire self thus sacrificing our favorite activities, meeting other people we like to be with, mentally getting oriented around only one person. 

To be in a healthy relationship with each other, both the partners need to be in a great relationship with themselves. We need to value ourselves individually. We can be one with our partner when together, but then we are really two different people with needs more than to love and to be loved. We have mental, emotional, physical, social and spiritual needs. To live a happy and contented life we need to strive towards satisfying all of these needs from time to time. In order to achieve that we need to spend time with ourselves, contemplating, learning, practicing and participating. When we are working towards fulfillment of our needs we do not have the need to blame our partner for not giving us all the time they have or not ensuring our happiness.

Finally, Each one is responsible for their happiness. And only two happy and stable individuals can make a wonderful satisfying relationship.