HOW TO HELP YOUR AGGRESSIVE CHILD?

Tips on Parenting by Dr. Sapna Sharma. Image Source - https://parentingbydrrene.com/2014/05/28/preventing-tantrums-emotion-language-triggers-and-cues/

Is your child getting aggressive when you try to stop him from doing his nuisance? And are all worried about his future as his young aggressions are just too much to handle? 
 
Here's how to help your aggressive child -
 
Aggression in children can come from any of the following reasons:
 
1. Too much violence on TV or video games: These are directly known to affect the nervous system and lead to aggression, hyperactivity, lack of concentration.
 
2. Not getting enough personal attention from parents especially if there is a younger sibling at home: Often our busy lifestyle means that we do things in a generalised way. For example, our outings are trying to do as many things as possible in one trip - grocery shopping, important supplies shopping, meeting a relative, eating out, etc. Being parents, we feel that we have done our duties as parents but what the children need is our personal attention. If there are two children, it is very important to plan at least one to two hours personal time of each parent with each child. This gives them the space needed to open up and express themselves. Which is very rare in today's busy time!
 
3. Bullying at school or on playground or at home: They cannot share as it is their personal insult but it results in the form of aggression at home where they feel powerful.
 
4. Some physical disturbances like lower eyesight, hard of hearing, etc.: These children suffer but they do not know that something is wrong with them or that it can be corrected. They are highly self-conscious and hence, often resort to aggression to prove their prowess.
 
5. Insecurity due to any reason: You need to talk to them and find out if they are feeling insecure and what's making them so.
 
6. Not able to understand or perform in the class: Many children do not understand the way a particular teacher teaches in a classroom. Also all children do not have aptitude for all subjects and some may not have aptitude for academic excellence - as parents all children are expected to do good in studies just because we send them to good school. This makes it very difficult as they feel pressure on them all the time which can be expressed in aggression or withdrawal.
 
SUGGESTIONS:
1. Try to spend a lot of free time with the child. Meaning when you are not pressed for time or any other activity and when you do not talk about studies or his behaviour. Just be there. May be take him out for his favourite activity and share with him your day, your issues at workplace or how you had suffered as a child. This will encourage him also to start speaking his heart out. BUT remember all this takes a lot of time and patience.
2. Formulate a schedule with your spouse so each one of you sits in a casual mood with each of the children separately and just chit chat. Next time change the parent child pair. Listen more and talk less. Talk to him like he is an adult. Don't always overload him with instructions. If he is not studying or behaving now, getting angry is not going to create any miracle.
3. Slowly ask him if he likes all his teachers, his friends or classmates, his subjects and what difficulties he has with each of them. In my practice as an ophthalmologist I have come across many children who could not see the blackboard clearly due to low eye sight but were afraid to accept. But they could not see and hence could not copy from the blackboard and hence, suffered many insults in school as well as from parents.
4. Take your children for regular eye check ups till they are 18 years of age.
5. Children who do not perform well at school are the ones that require help with studies. These children are then sent to tuition classes where again the child is studying in a group and hence not learning or too shy to ask difficulties or again distracted by other children. For such children it is often best to have home tutors who can teach at the speed and understanding the level of the child. Your child will not spend time going to and from the tuition and you will be able to monitor his progress on a personal level with the tutor.
6. Finally please seek face to face counseling for yourself and your child. Often we parents need to understand what to do with our particular child who is unique. Also we need help for our frustrations and tensions so that we can handle them with patience. For the children it is often easy to open up with a non-judgmental outsider than with a parent who is always judging and threatening. I am in the profession of counseling for over 15 yearsand yet I encourage my children to see other counselors whenever we are not able to get through to each other. I am confident your child can be helped with these tips. For more help you can ask me a question on this site.

How to Choose Best Career?

It is important to understand that choosing a career does not simply mean deciding upon the ultimate career to success and fame; rather it means that a person should have the potential to grow with that career and achieve happiness along with success. That is why it is very important for every student and Parent to understand what is embodied within the word Aptitude and why an Aptitude Test for career selection is important when tracing your path towards success and growth.

Every career option requires a particular aptitude combination that should match with the individual's potential ability to grow with that career.

Best Parenting Tips By Dr. Sapna Sharma. Image Source  https://arenaajmer.com/2016/11/05/career-oriented-courses/

Aptitude is basically defined as an innate, on inborn ability of an individual to perform certain tasks. This can be explained well by understanding that there are many children who are very good at one or more of the performing arts from an early age and without any formal or informal training. Often we refer to these children as ‘gifted’ and their talents as ‘God’s Gift’. Each one of us is born with some or the other such ‘gift’ and as it is clear, if we base our career on something that we already have, we can progress much faster. This ‘inborn quality’ or ‘gift’ is scientifically referred to as ‘Aptitude’.

It is very important for parents and students to understand that School curriculum and marks do not test us for our aptitude for all areas. For example, we believe that students who score good at math and science in school exams can definitely be good engineers. However, study reports by many Engineering colleges show that students who scored high in school because they were sincere and good at rote learning and hence at scoring, face great difficulty even in understanding the basics of engineering. Because to be a good Engineer one needs to have good technical Aptitude and not just the knowledge of math and science. Many Engineering degree holders are not even interested in changing a fused bulb or repairing a leaking faucet at home. This is because they do not have the technical bend of mind and they basically are ‘Engineering degree holders’ and not ‘Engineers’.

This is the reason why taking career decisions based on school marks alone is usually a short cut to one of the most important decisions of life. And shortcuts certainly do not guarantee the desired outcome. It is strongly recommended that each student should be taking a scientific aptitude test around the age when careers are chosen. Ideally these tests along with detailed counseling should be provided to each student of class 9 or ten by the school. However, since most schools are still not very open to doing this scientifically, parents should seek out experienced counselors to work on the career planning with aptitude testing for their wards.

Interest v/s Aptitude
Many times people make a mistake while choosing their career according to their interest. It is very important to understand that interests are based on many factors- exposure, glamour factor, attraction, meeting or knowing some influential or impressive personality who happens to be in the said career in consideration. Children and youth are impressionable. They are strongly influenced by anything that attracts them even momentarily. Also, they are not really aware of many career opportunities available to them. In addition, the media and society is constantly bombarding them with ‘dream careers’ concepts and fearful parents are frequently asserting that if they do not get into a particular career, the children may not have a good life eventually.The result? Well they tend to choose what has made impression on them – a career, someone’s lifestyle, insecurities about their own future. Many a parents hang on to some career mentioned by their child while growing up or a doctor set their little princess had asked for or their child’s interest in watching a particular soap that is about business and money and take it as their child’s ‘Clear interest’. The next that the children know is that they are constantly reminded by the parents that this is what describes the interest of the child and that is ‘the’ career their child should choose. Confused, the children start talking about any of the above experiences as their ‘interest’. For many, soon the ‘interest’ wears off.

In my practice as a counselor, I have met many grown-ups who regret their career decisions that were taken without actually understanding what they really meant. There is money but no happiness or enthusiasm for their work or life. Hence, it is very important for the parents to be aware that they have to ‘watch’ their children. As a child with strong aptitude for Dancing would ‘dance’ at every opportunity and non- opportunity. Similarly, a future engineering would be seen tinkering with stuff around the house and always willing to open and repair. But, all the career related aptitudes traits cannot be seen so visibly and hence, every child needs to undergo a thorough (Not a short version of ‘quick ‘ testing on the career websites) scientific Aptitude test with an experienced Counselor who can interpret the test results and integrate the interest, personality, family background and dreams of the child with his scientifically tested aptitude.

Career is one of the most important aspects of life and hence, we need to understand that it cannot only be a source of money. Our career should inspire, motivate and activate us while bringing us joy and enthusiasm for life while making money. Look for a counselor with good references around you. If your city does not give you many options then you can look online. Do check the credentials and feedback on that counselor on various social media before you entrust them your future. With online Counseling options today you can get the services from the best counselors across the world.
So if you are thinking career- think Aptitude testing.

How to Help Distracted Children with Studies?

Today many parents are worried over casual approach of their children towards studies, especially in primary and middle school. Scoring marks is not much of a problem for these children. Thus they believe that regular and long hours of studies are not essential. Eventually, most of them find it very difficult to focus for a long time when they reach the higher classes and thus lose interest in studies and the process of studies.

Parents are right to worry. Children with above average intelligence make it very easily through today’s primary and middle school systems especially because of the easy and sort exams and repetitive nature of school studies. But many of them end up in mess in high school and later because they may either be not very good with their basics or may end up hating to sit for long hours as per the demands of the senior classes. Hatred or laziness for writing practice is another cause of worry.

In addition they have too many attractions and distractions that they do not believe in doing anything for the sake of their parents or teachers or because they are afraid of the authorities. Usually when parents insist on regular studies, they are faced with strong resistance and at times even violent reactions.

Most of these children do not even respond to suggestions from a counselor or a teacher, timetables or schedules for more than a day or two. Majorly, because though they would want to do better at studies they do not have the discipline or willpower to sustain on their own for long.

The best option for such children is to get them a home tutor. The idea behind this is - children develop the habit for regular studies throughout the year for an hour or two. This habit will take them a long way.

Another advantage is you can instruct the tutors to test the child for the basics of math, languages and science from time to time and set a system of regular practice for the basics so that senior classes become comfortable.

Thirdly, these tutors can, through your instructions, get full test papers solved from the student prior to exams in exam-like setting keeping the required time check. This will improve the child’s examination skills and give a boost to their confidence.

Even if your child is scoring well and is not willing for a tutor, I suggest you to implement it as a compulsion to inculcate regular study habits in your child. If not anything, on some days the tutor can engage the child in subject related or general debate or encourage creative writing.

I would also suggest that the results can be best if the tutor is not a teacher by profession as those teachers put off the students. In most A and B grade cities you would find tutorial agencies that can send you a verified teacher. These teachers are mostly college students and children feel more comfortable with them.

A word of caution though, if your child is a female do insist on a female tutor for the sake of safety and ensure that there is no door closing during the class time and that you or some other adult be around.

Want To Achieve Your Dreams?

We have all set goals for ourselves at some point of time or other. However most of us end up feeling “Goal setting doesn’t work in the face of all the uncertainties of life”. I believe this is where the difference between ordinary and extraordinary is decided. The one common thing with the extraordinary achievers is that they set a goal and stick to it. I understand it is not always easy and certainly that all of us are not equally motivated all the time. But if we really wish to achieve our targets- whether it is starting a new company, going for an IPO, losing weight, changing countries or acing an exam- We need to understand the process of Goal setting and how it works.

While setting goals it is important to have a written statement or plan. The best way to set goals is to using the following formula. The goals should be SMART.

S- Specific- Write- What do I want to Achieve?
M- Measurable- Write- How much, or what exact specifications do I want to aim for.
A- Attainable- Write- What is the degree to which this is attainable?
R- Relevant- Write- Is this goal relevant to what I really want in life?
T- Time Bound- By which date or time do I want to reach there?

For example, If your goal is to make a lot of money. Now that is very vague and you will never be able to reach there. You can make the same goal SMART and write for yourself-

I want to have cash assets in savings (Specific) amounting to 5 Lakh Rupees(Measurable) By December 2020 (Time Bound)
Now you know where you want to be after 2 years so now what you have to do is find the mind point i.e. where you should be by the end of 1st year to achieve your final target of 2 years? If that answer is 2 Lakh Rupees, then you have to ask yourself how much do you have today.

Now you have clear goal for the next one year and all you have to do is draw a strategy to achieve that.

You strategy sheet should also be in writing where you should be working on the following points:

1. How much can I earn in 1 year by the same way that I am earning today?
2. What additional source of income can I add?
3. What kind of investments are needed to reach the planned target of 1 year.
4. Who are the people who can help me - learn, plan, and motivate?
5. What can possibly go wrong?
6. What measures can I take to avoid or counter that which can go wrong?

Getting all this on paper and revising helps clear the perspective. Next you need to paste this paper where you can see it daily and accordingly you can set smaller daily, weekly and monthly goals.

However also remember that goals need to be reviewed regularly as you go along the plan. Adjustments may be needed from time to time based on how you are moving ahead and if or not things are going as per your plan.


For those of us who tend to procrastinate or fizzle out after the initial excitement, it makes sense to have achievement partners in the form of a friend or a family member whom you respect and feel answerable to. Share your Goals and the plans with them and give them the right to follow up with you. After we reach a stage where parents cannot scold us into anything, it is important for us to set our own compulsory check -points. These checkpoints are essential to ensure that we do not back off in times of extreme procrastination or temporary setbacks.

To this extent I strongly recommend to work with a professional Life Coach. To understand better, the life Coaching process looks something like this:-

STEP I: Your coach will help you SPOT and ISOLATE the real challenges you are facing currently.
STEP II: Next they will help you IDENTIFY what your life aims are and what is stopping you from attaining them.
STEP III: Then they will help you CREATE AN ACTION PLAN to overcome the challenges and achieve your aims.
STEP IV: They will BE WITH YOU as you follow through your action plan and climb the steps towards your life goals.
Step V: Together they will CELEBRATE your victories at every stage!

It is a minimum 3 months commitment and with a good coach you will be successfully on your way full of Motivation and enthusiasm.

So go ahead and dream. To turn your dreams into reality, just find your right way to set the goals and follow through!

My Child does not Study

How much should the children study and at what age should they be becoming

serious about studies is a frequent question? Interestingly the age at which parents

are becoming concerned about children’s attitude towards studies is decreasing day

by day. So what should we be concerned about is, children’s disinterest in studies or

parents’ over concern?

A concerned mother sent me similar query about her children aged 10 and 13.

First of all I would not like to take them in the same group and discuss them

together. A 10 year old is merely in class 5 while a 13 year old has already entered

the high school and there needs to be a lot of difference in our concern about

their studies.

As a generation of over anxious parents we need to understand that studies,

the way they are presented to the children, are inherently boring. Our education

system insists on adding volumes every year while not doing anything to ensure

the clarity of concepts or relevance to the real life. Most teachers are not

‘born to teach’ kind of so they focus on completion of the syllabus rather than

helping the children develop interest in a particular subject or the studies.

Eventually what studies mean to most students is a means to pass some

painful exams. And that certainly is not interesting even for an adult.

If we take the above fact into consideration, we as parents may understand,

at least to some extent, why the children avoid studies and postpone them to

the last minute. This awareness would also give us some motivation to be

innovative about how we present the concept of studies to our children.

Some of the few basic factors to remember here are:

• Children do not enjoy doing anything alone. Even expensive games are left

untouched if they are left to play with them. Hence, try to give study partners

to the children wherever you find them lacking in interest. These can be home

tutors. The advantage is that there is the interaction that makes the whole process

less boring. Also children develop a habit of sitting down for studies regularly and

at the same time, which is a very good habit for the future. Remember the role of

home tutors is not just of teaching. So if you hire a tutor for writing practice or

regularity or concept clearing, you need to let the tutor know so right at the

beginning and also need to monitor it from time to time.

• Children need consistency. Busy parents do not always sit with children the same time

every day for studies and they want to go by their availability which eventually makes 

the children loose the importance of the process. So, if you are too busy or if the child 

is not responding to you positively, getting a home tutor can make a big difference.

• Have a casual discussion about studies with children asking them which subjects they 

like and which ones they hate particularly and why. An educated parent can teach any 

child up to class 7 in the least. If you see that your child is struggling with something in 

particular try to find some important facts about that particular topic using the internet 

and present it to the child in an interesting format. This is particularly helpful for 

subjects that children find boring like history, Geography, physics, chemistry.

• For math, especially with high school students, if they have not developed clear concepts 

during middle school, they end up fearing the subject. It is best to test the child with few 

basic calculations of fractions and equations and if not satisfactory at least one hour a day 

should be spent in making them practice basic calculations. I have personally observed 

a shift in their interest towards the positive just in a month’s time.

The most important factor here to be remembered by the parents is that just because

the children are going to the school does not mean all of them should be interested in

studies. Each child is different. Their understanding and logic about the importance of

studies is different. Forcing them is going to work less and less with every new generation.

They do not respond to compulsions and to your all-time statement “because I told you so”.

Also know that each of your child is different. What works for one may not work for the other.
Schools have a mass training system. Children usually are not given individual attention.
So it is up to the parents to understand the unique learning style, challenges and
motivation of their child and help accordingly.

Of course if you are not able to help them, please get in touch with a counselor rather
than getting angry with your children.

Brand Craze among Teens

Dealing with the craze of brands among kids is a major worry of many parents.

I received many queries in response to my previous article on the same subject.

Let us consider one fairly common concern, see how many of us can connect

with it and try to see a way around it.

“My worry is that youth around 17-18 years have problems like if you wear

something exclusive then only friends acknowledge you or they get closer to you...

We try to explain, that it is all temporary... Your inner things help you a lot, but ,

difficult for him to swallow it... He got lot of acknowledgement being a sportsperson,

good behaved person and equally higher side bright student (not 90, but we r fine)

in the school... We try to explain.. the same.. but.. still not succeed.. we will keep

trying.... But need more light on it”

Well that is what 17 years of age is. It wants to confirm and be accepted and

applauded. Is it bad? No. It just is. That is the age around which we start to

explore ourselves. Before that the sense of self had not developed much.

Individuality is not always appreciated as our education system is all about

conformity - in uniform dress code and behavioral patterns. Now when they

can move around in casual wear they see a chance to see and exhibit

their individuality. Wanting to be different and the best seems to obvious.

So,,, no, they are not wrong. Most youngsters at that age have not been able

to make their mark so again clothes seem to be an easier way to impress.

But even in cases like the one example above, we need to understand that

we have different facets to our personality and even if we are doing good

in some, that doesn’t take away the need to excel or at least be special in

other ways too.  

Your argument as an adult is also right that “It is what is inside that really

matters”, but please consider their age. Think of ourselves at that age.

Most of us did not have access to money and brands while growing up so

we could not indulge, but didn’t we indulge in whatever way was possible?

We wanted to be special too. We would borrow sarees and shirts from friends

and family to look our best wherever possible. The only difference is that

they are surrounded by options from across the globe on just one click.

If we have expressed our ability to pay for expensive things around

them then they cannot understand why not to indulge in the best.

So firstly, we need to understand that they are just teenagers

and it is not their age to understand philosophy. Then what should be

our approach?

I believe moderation is the way. According to your affordability indulge
them sometimes and refuse the other. Especially if the children are internally
motivated and responsible towards their duty and students, we can definitely
indulge them once in a while. But what if they want it every time?

Children develop the habit of pressurizing and emotionally blackmailing the
parents when they learn that parents always say ‘no’ to everything to begin
with but turn around after they throw some tantrums. Also when there is
a lot of display of money around them they believe that they can and should easily have
what they demand. Here is when the role of parenting comes in.

1. Husband and wife should always decide what they are going to agree on and what not.

Once one parent has said ‘no’ the other should not overrule it.
2. Once you have said a reasonable ‘no’, stick to it.

3. If later you feel that you wish to change your ‘no’ to a ‘yes’ don’t do it immediately.

Wait for an opportunity where the child can be told that as a reward for his hard work in

studies or anything else, they can have the branded ware they were asking for.

4. If there are financial problems in the family, share them with children occasionally.

They need to know. Many parents do not want to share such details with the children

because they don’t want to ‘burden’ them. Eventually when the unsuspecting children

put forth their demands these same parents blame the child for not being understanding.

5. Also get in to the habit of offering genuine praise whenever your children are dressed to

go out, especially when they wear something non- branded but elegant and fitting. Occasionally

when they wear the brand also let them know that they make the brands look better because

of their personality. Of course all this has to be genuine and not obvious or frequent enough for

the child to suspect foul play.

6. Let them know they are unique at every possible occasion.

Remember, children are not ready for philosophy of life. They may actually detest it.
We have to do it their way. Understand that a lot of branded high end stuff is really good.
Our aim is not to stop our children from dreaming of and wanting to be seen in brands only,
the aim is that they can value money and value brands for their quality and not just the
brand logo.

Children & their Demands for Branded Things

Recently on one of my videos on parenting, I received question from a mother that said,
“Children know more about brand than parents.... because of the influence of the outside
world parents do not to teach them as many a times parents wear simple things through
out their lives but children need branded wares.... That is also other side of the coin...
Suggest how parents can deal with this situation.”

I think almost all the parents today are facing the same situation so wanted to share this
with you.

I believe children are attracted to what the world shows them, There is nothing wrong
with asking for the brands, the problem is when they do not value the money that is spent
for the same and when they are seeking the particular brand not for its inherent value or
goodness but for competing with their peers. A few things if followed in the house hold
right from beginning can bring some monetary discipline in children:
1. Never try to show that we can buy anything they ask for even when they are 2 years
old cute and they ask for not so expensive things. The awareness among parents has to
be right from the birth of the child. The child does not understand the cost or value, for
him it is just a fact that my parents can get me anything that i ask for. 

2. If children ask for something specific let them know that it will be given to them against
their next good results (Unless it is too expensive for you). This is to let them know that they
have to earn their luxuries just like the rest of us and for them the responsibility is studying

3. Ensure that whenever the children get money as gifts it is to be deposited with the parent
till at least they finish class 10th. The parents have to be accountable to gain the children's
trust by putting away the money in a separate envelope marked with the child's name and not
using it for any other purpose. Occasionally when the parents feel right the children can be
allowed to use the money out of their savings after discussing the need. 

4. Let children take up odd jobs around the house so that they can earn. This teaches them the
hard work that goes into earning each penny. Also if it is a regular job that the child takes up
like dusting every day etc, ensure that you deduct the day’s pay from their salary if they miss
out even one day. (Except when sick or out on school project )

5. After around the age of 10 take them with you for grocery and vegetable shopping and make
them calculate and pay for what is bought so they know how expensive it is to run a normal
household which they normally take for granted.

6. In this series then let them know the difference between necessities and luxuries. Tell them
your responsibility is to ensure that their needs are taken care of .For their wants, like the
brands. They have to earn and save.

So many other ways can be added to this depending upon the household members, income and the personality of the child. However it is very important that ONCE YOU SAY NO TO SOMETHING- STICK TO IT, even if they throw bad tantrums.  Remember children will demand, that is their nature, but if you keep giving them just to free yourself of their tantrums, they will never learn the value. Rather what they will learn is, the price of everything is a good tantrum.

Whatever you do, the keyword is CONSISTENCY. Eventually they learn.