What is Fear of missing out (FOMO)?

 In olden times there used to be common meeting places in villages where people used to congregate at the end of the day. Lifestyles were simple. Do your work in the day- light, spend evening in community connection and then retire early as darkness sets in. No digital media left no reason for people to be holed in their individual houses and thus everyone felt connected to each other, to the community and no one felt left out.

Times changed. Enter the digital media. Enter the financial disparities. Enter individualization. 

Today we may have gained a lot in terms of money, status, possessions and more but we have lost touch with real people. We have too many reasons for not connecting with people around us. So much so, that we are confused about the fact that each one of us needs to feel wanted, needed, appreciated and missed.

We have created walls around us. For this reason or that we hide behind these walls. But then how can we overcome the basic human needs of wanting to be loved, needed and appreciated? This is the confusion the dilemma that is leading big time to the Fear of Missing Out, popularly known as FOMO.

The effect of this fear is far reaching. We are all almost glued to our mobile devices and our social media. So much wanting to call others but for some abstract reason, not willing to take the initiative, yet wanting to be there, and so desperately checking our screens every few minutes to see if someone has remembered us, messaged us, pinged us… anything… anyone…

We want to be appreciated but we do not want to appreciate. We want to be the best or at least better but hardly a few actually stick their neck out there to go the extra mile. But that inherent need is there. Always goading us from inside. So we post something… anything and forward posts and we wait to see how many likes and hearts we get. Interestingly when we get a ‘like’ for a forwarded post, we feel proud as if that post was created by us!

Notice that anyone trying to do some serious activity – study or research or work, a small ‘ping’ on the phone gets us to jump up and check that message then and there. We can see it later. It is not an emergency and we know it but I need to be there, with whatever is happening in the world… ‘what if I do not reply to a friend's message soon? They may not involve me again…’ that fear… it is just there all around.

FOMO is the disease of this era. It is because while disconnecting from real people, we disconnect from ourselves too. Most of us are not happy to be with our own selves. Most of us do not wish to invest in real meaningful relationships with people, hobbies, activities. But we want to be included… by others. When we put the responsibility of our happiness, entertainment and basically survival on others, we forget that unless we can make ourselves feel good, loved and entertained, no one else can do that.

A healthy relationship with ourselves is where we need to start to get over this terrible disease. We need to spend happy time with ourselves and for that we need to know ourselves well… We cannot have a good friendship with anyone unless we know them, so how can we enjoy our own company unless we know ourselves well?

Know yourself. Be your own best friend. Do interesting activities with yourself. Then connect with others, real people. Love yourself so that you are not dependent on others to love you. Appreciate yourself often so that the want of appreciation does not keep you hanging by someone else’s words. When you will have your own company even when others are not there, that’s when Fear of Missing out will disappear.

If you believe this can help someone, do share. To connect with Dr. Sapna Sharma for Personal Counseling WhatsApp on 8446229088 from wherever you are in the world.

Tips to Deal with Fear of Public Speaking

 Fear of public speaking is not just when you have to stand on a stage to face a crowd of an audience. So many of us are hesitant in speaking with a small group and with new acquaintances. This fear can manifest in many different forms and in different settings for different people.

And it is one of the most unpleasant fears as it robs us of many important moments and steals from us many opportunities.  So many of us get tongue-tied even when we would like to impress someone in personal or professional capacity. The important presentations that you have worked so hard for can go southwards leaving you feeling embarrassed. 

So what is this fear of speaking in public and how can we overcome it?

Fear of speaking in public is directly related to our self-esteem. When we harbor low self- esteem we are very self- conscious and mostly judge ourselves harshly. We do not believe that we can do anything good and are sure that others would not like us either.  This creates a fear of being judged which almost paralyses us in public appearances.

Also speaking confidently needs us to have adequate knowledge of general matters and our subject in particular coupled with fluent language skills. When we are not in a habit of reading or catching up news regularly we lack concrete knowledge to speak about most topics. Many people who have passed their degrees by merely studying for the examinations and do not believe in frequently updating their subject related knowledge, seem to be at a loss of adequate data to contribute knowledge even about their professional domain.

If we understand this then it is simple to understand the remedy. We need to work on gathering knowledge regularly, improving our language skills and working on our self- esteem. All three are also related because when we work on improving any of our skills or knowledge, it directly boosts our self-esteem. However many a time we may need to seek professional help from counselors, language trainers or domain knowledge providers. Asking help from close friends or family can create a safe learning environment where we can start working on our growth without being judged.

Every speaker starts from a place of fear. It is time, hard-work, perseverance and a strong desire to attain the goals that separate the ones who succeed from the others. Know that it is a process and it is never complete. You are always growing and always learning. Especially as a public speaker you are always better at the next performance compared to the earlier one, even if just a wee bit. 

Caution: If you are looking for quick results, remember that happens only in magical fantasies. Once we know it is a process, it becomes easy to start and to remain focused at it for a very-very long time. 

If you believe this can help someone, do share. To connect with Dr. Sapna Sharma for Personal Counseling WhatsApp on 8446229088 from wherever you are in the world.

How to Understand & Deal with the Fear of Intimacy

 In my counseling practice I often come across men and women with issues like,

• I want to get married but am afraid every time I think of it 

• We have a good relationship but am not comfortable with sex and that leads to fights

• I think my partner is sleeping with someone else because every time I try to get intimate he moves away finding some excuse or other

• My husband's family is very good but they are all into hugging and holding hands and that makes me very uncomfortable

These and similar stories are getting frequent by the day. When we dig deep into each case what we come to understand is that these people have issues with intimacy, more so physical intimacy. Most of them crave to be in a warm, passionate relationship but the thought of intimacy usually scares them off.  In my experience, the reasons can be variable:

• History of sexual abuse in childhood (Which can be much common than we can think)

• Past sexually abusive relationships

• Coming from a very orthodox family background with very repressive views on sex and intimacy

• Physical pain during sex (More common in women)

• Sexual dysfunctions (More common in males)

• Body Image issues

• Distaste for sex

And there can be more. 

It is important to understand that if you or someone important to you does have fear of intimacy, ridiculing or getting angry with them or running away from relationships can only make it worse. Bad things happen to us some time. But we need to believe that there are good things and good people too. If you have body image issues, a good counselor can help you to know yourself better and to learn to love yourself first. Once we can love and accept ourselves, intimacy comes to us naturally. 

There is nothing in this world that a lot of love and genuine care cannot heal. Patience is the key word here. However professional help may be required in many cases. You can seek help from a counselor or a sexologist, as the case may be. Know that there is someone out there who would give you the warmth of real love. That warmth of love can make intimacy beautiful. 

(Note: It is also important that if you have a distaste for sex or intimacy, and you want to avoid it by choice, it is your moral responsibility to let your prospective partner know about it. Unfortunately many people get into marriage and then deprive their partners of sex and intimacy. Sex is a natural energy and sexual satisfaction is every persons right.)

If you believe this can help someone, do share. To connect with Dr. Sapna Sharma for Personal Counseling WhatsApp on 8446229088 from wherever you are in the world.

Fear of Being Disliked

 I remember all of those times while growing up when I had felt this pit in my stomach with the dreaded feeling, “No one likes me, there must be something really wrong with me”, and then the sadness engulfing me. That had been a feel for a very-very long time.

Well, I don’t feel that way anymore. In fact it doesn’t matter what others might think or feel about me. Is that really possible? I remember asking this question to myself every time I read a self help book back then. It all seemed like a cliché pep talk coming from people who are naturally blessed with popularity. ? I am sure many of you would agree to that.

But then things changed and here I am genuinely knowing that I am wonderful as I am. Of course that did not happen overnight. It took time and it took a lot of tough thinking, self awareness and acceptance. Majorly it took a lot of time with myself and a lot of love for myself. 

That is what it is! Till the time I did not genuinely know myself, I of course did not like myself, I mean the most things about me at least. What was more damaging was that since I did not care about my own opinion, my entire focus was on the opinion of others about me. I don’t say that others did not like me, because for most part there is no way to find out what others genuinely think about us. 

I have something very interesting to share with you. While we are deeply concerned what others might be thinking about us, the others are also engaged in the same pursuit. After all who are these others? Think about it. If everyone else is ‘others’ for us, for them ‘we’ are the ‘others’. Can you see the game we play yet? We are all in the same boat but continuously ignoring the fact that all are in the same boat heading in the same direction and facing the same storm!!

And the more I understood this the more I realized that people do not really care about us or anyone else. I mean everyone has their own things to sort out. Why do we think that we are so important that they would be all the time thinking about us? 

With that cleared out of the way, I shifted my focus inwards. The questions I asked myself were- “Okay so… if no one has a genuine opinion about me, who am I really? And what are my traits? And what is really important for me?” You get it right? And here started the journey of becoming my own best friend.

Soon I found out I had lots of wonderful things about me. Even if others did not appreciate or acknowledge, I still am a wonderful person. And it was such a lovely feeling.  Of course there were things that I did not like about myself but interestingly they were not the ones I was imagining others were not liking about me. They were the things I wished to change. With that clarity when I looked at myself, I also knew that if I worked on it I could better most of that which I wanted to be better at.

Of course it took time. I also had to take help of my counselor colleagues to help me discover myself, to be gentle on myself, to differentiate between what was obviously some random person's opinion and my real observations. And slowly but eventually I could see the light at the end of the dark tunnel of the fear of others not liking me.

It works. It genuinely does. Please try it friends. And if you need any help on the way feel free to get in touch with me. But most of all keep patience. Believe in yourself and believe that the creator does not create defective pieces. There is always something amazing about all of us.

If you believe this can help someone, do share. To connect with Dr. Sapna Sharma for Personal Counseling WhatsApp on 8446229088 from wherever you are in the world.

Knowing Your Values Can Help In Choosing Right Career

 Values are ingrained very deep for each of us. It is because of our values that we decide whether to help someone or not, whether to cheat or not, whether to go by fair means or unfair means and likewise. 

Since we are not aware of our values, we often suffer from indecisiveness and get influenced by others easily. Many times when we do make decisions we are fraught with fear and unease because we are not aware why we have made those decisions. Making a career choice is one such decision that we often take under the influence of peer pressure, popularity trend or glamour. Many people live to regret their decision because though we may eventually make good money, if the demands of the career do not match with our values, We cannot feel the connection with our work leading to dissatisfaction. 

Thus it is very essential to spend some time to know ourselves and our values. Value is defined as one's principles, priorities or standards. It is the silent energy behind your definitions of right or wrong, good or bad, yes or no, now or later, fun or commitment and so on.

Here is a short exercise to help you understand what constitutes “values” and what can be some of your values. A sincere attempt at this exercise would help you connect with yourself and make career and other decisions with more confidence and independently.

EXERCISE: Listed below are a number of work-related values and their short description. Give a number from 0 to 10 to each of these according to their importance for you (0=no importance and 10=great importance).

___ Prestige: Being well-known and prominent

___ Responsibility: wanting to look dependable to others 

___ Adventure: Taking risks

___ Independence: Acting on your own, freedom

___ Challenge: Enjoying difficult tasks and problems

___ Creativity: Trying to do things in a new ways

___ Accomplishment: Wanting to excel and achieve

___ Variety: Wanting and enjoying change

___ Security: Wanting a comfortable/predictable future 

___ Power and authority: Taking leadership, being in charge

___ Money: Liking material possessions

___ Integrity: Behaving consistently with own beliefs, Fulfilling promises

___ Altruism: Helping people/ society/ Animals

___ Honesty: Valuing truthful interactions

___ Artistic expression: Caring about beauty and harmony

___ Leisure: Having time for hobbies and recreation

___ Health: Having a balanced lifestyle

___ Others:

Look over your list and circle your five highest marked values. A combination of the 5 values will be an indication of certain professions that would be good for you For instance a combination of prestige, challenge, Responsibility, Power and authority and Security may be values that can be realized through being a civil servant ( IAS,IPS, IFS, IRS).

Now List your ideas for careers that may fit with your most important values:

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

This is the beginning. Once you have done all other self analysis activities, you may be able to confidently select one or two careers that would be best for you.

What is a Career?

 As language evolves, many words come to take the more popular meaning or rather the meaning of convenience. However over the period the words may lose their depth and come to mean very little to us. The origin of words usually has much deeper meaning and knowing it can enrich us in so many ways.

‘Career’ is one such word that has lost its real value in the transition. For most of us a career means a profession or line of study or work. Nothing wrong in this meaning but it is incomplete in many ways.

Career is defined by the Oxford English Dictionary  as a person's "course or progress through life. It can also pertain to an occupation or a profession that usually involves special training or formal education and is considered to be a person’s lifework Even the origin of the word ‘career’ is traced back to Latin carrus  meaning 'wheeled vehicle' that basically symbolizes journey and progress.

Thus career is all about the progress in life. When we take into consideration only the study and profession aspect of career we develop a warped view towards it. Our focus stills on the options presented to us by society and our decisions based on the acquiring of degrees and bagging a source of earning.

In reality, choosing a university course only is one step towards the journey of life, which is vast. 

Most people choose a university degree that seems to be giving them a much accepted professional status and guaranteed income. While zeroing on the course we tend to neglect the most important aspect of choosing the career, the very question: Why do I want to take up a career? While the apparent answer may seem to be about earning a livelihood, if we take a few minutes and ask ourselves another Why? The answer could be easily traced to: I want to be happy! 

Where does happiness come from? It comes from inner satisfaction, a sense of contentment. We very well know that money alone cannot guarantee that contentment. So isn’t it worth the while to consider this inner satisfaction while choosing our career?

Now our satisfaction is based on many parameters like where we work, where we live, who do we associate with, what is the nature of our work, what are our work hours, what challenges the work has for us, do we enjoy our work, does it align with our life goal, does it give us the opportunities to travel, to grow, to be creative, to invent, to serve, to solve, to change and so many other needs that we have apart from making money?

Choosing a career thus is not just about knowing the employability of that study course. It is about knowing who you are, what you want, what it can give you and what you live for. It is a process of exploration. You need to explore yourself and explore the range of career options and then match the career to your needs.