The title may seem very simple or lame. Isn’t it the simple and the lame things that are catching us off guard these days? So let us start with the simplest or the most difficult question of your life- “What is the place of your spouse or your long term partner in your life?”
Please do not dismiss the question by saying ‘of course he/she is the most important one”. Don’t do that. Take your time. There are very few occasions in life today when we get an opportunity to analyze and understand ourselves. Most of the time we are knee deep immersed into scrutinizing and objectifying others and their lives they have put for display on social media.
So what is actually the place of your partner in your life? If you want some help with that question, ask yourself another one, “during my normal day or week how many times do I prioritize him/her over my other interests aka friends, drinks, clubs, Netflix series, kids, parents?
Take your time and look back over your past week. Please do not get defensive by saying something like, “It is easier for her to say, I have such important work to do” or “I do everything for my partner, all my work at office is for her/ I keep the house well and take care of kids and family for him what more needs to be done” If we are not allowed to hide behind those excuses, we can try to look at the situation directly.
These questions would make you uncomfortable, not because you do not know the answer, in fact exactly opposite. You know the answer and that is the answer that we try and avoid as much as possible. Precisely that is the answer I suggest you look into.
This is how it happens with most relationships. Over the period of time we avoid putting efforts into the relationship. Not that we do not want the warmth of that relationship, but we subconsciously expect our partner to put in all the efforts into keeping the flame alive. Since we do not wish to do the hard work we, like an expert learn to hide behind excuses like, “I am so busy with office/ house work, I get so tired, Can't leave the kids alone for a minute, If I do not sit with them personally the kids do not study at all, I need to stay updated with the news (For what?) After all the days at work I deserve to have my space and time…” the list of excuses is endless.
But the fact is very few of us actually work so much that there is no time left for love and our partner. If you do not believe me, over the next one week observe yourself on:
- The time you are doing actual work
- The time you spend scrolling thru the WhatsApp university
- The time you spend watching Netflix or any other entertainment
- The time you spend reading gossips in news papers
- The time you spend chatting on various social media
- And whatever else you do during the day
For once be truthful to yourself. Do not tell anyone that you are doing this, so you do not have to share anything with anyone. This is just for our self- awareness.
The thing is, the spelling of love is not LOVE it is actually TIME. It doesn’t mean you have to give up your interests and hobbies and be with each other in all of your free time. The quest is to become aware of how much we are consciously prioritizing our partner.
Love, fondness, communication grows with togetherness. If time is only spent on the so-called essentials of life, be prepared to sacrifice your relationship. But remember, the relationship is the only thing that stays with you once you are retired and your children are out of your house and your parents are not around. That is when friends also thin out and the only person that can be with you is your partner. If you have been prioritizing each other all your life, the later days would be a great time to spend together. Otherwise be warned, many couples start falling apart once the kids are out of the house as they have nothing to keep them together anymore.
If you believe this can help someone, do share. To connect with me for relationship counseling, send WhatsApp message on 8446229088 from wherever you are in the world.
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