Don’t try to Bring up Children the Way You Were Brought Up

I want to share one question frequently asked by many parents today.

Q. I am always in fear that my 15 year old son should not get addicted to something wrong and should not be emotionally attached to any girl

I need  your guidance on pocket money making them responsible and to become a good personality

A. Let us deal with both the issues separately.

Attachment to girl: Well that is nature. The attraction between the two sexes is natural and whether we want it or not sooner or later it is bound to happen. Of course, as parents we want it to be as late as possible but that is not something we can control. However, it is important to know that children are too young to handle such attachments and frequently end up disturbed, lost and distracted from studies. So they need guidance. When parents react too sharply to such attachments children learn not to share and hide their problems. This is of concern because in that case they will turn to their friends for advice which can be detrimental. IT is very important to be friends with your children at this age. Joke with them about which girl they like, etc. so that if and when that time comes they should be able to share with you easily. If they share then you can talk to them that this is okay but they have to remember that other things are also important in life and as long as they continue to be as dedicated to studies and restrained in their physical interactions with maturity you are with them. 

Drugs: Certainly a cause of concern today. Children are known to experiment. Especially as they enter college after class 10 when they suddenly get a lot of freedom and money. Remember that children will not like it but it is essential to monitor them till at least they graduate.

About Pocket money- Give them the bare minimum. Even if they fight and quote that the others are getting more. Visit their tuition classes regularly again even if they do not like. When my daughter went to another city for her graduation i laid three rules:

1. I can video call her any time and she has to receive it, If she does not, I will know that she is up to no good. She hated it but i did it anyway. 

2.  I will land anytime in her city and without warning take her for drug test for her own good. If she is not doing it, she should not be irritated by it.

3. If she needed additional money, she would have to earn it. So even when we could easily afford a hefty Pocket money, we provided the minimum essential and she has been taking up home tuition's since last 1st year  earning about 10K. This brought in a sense of responsibility as she was responsible for the results of her students. She started respecting money and saving, She was proud that she was the only one among her peers who brought her phone on her own.

I implemented all of these strictly and if she faltered the consequences were explained to her very clearly- She would be brought back to Home city and even if she did not wish to study after that we had no problem.

Giving them responsibility and holding them responsible for their life is very important to protect children from themselves. 

REMEMBER: Children do not like rules, restrictions and discipline. When you implement these there would be a lot of resistance, they would blame you and compare to other parents in an attempt to black mail you. You have to remember what is more important- the child's' life and future or her feelings for you and what people will say. 

Our children are growing up in a world that is very different from ours. To help them be better people for better life we need to first understand their environment and influences. We need to develop the bond where in the children feel free to discuss anything. But at the same time, we need to maintain our clarity on basic disciplinary rules  and state clear consequences of disregard to them. The bigger task then would be to implement the rules that have been laid down.

Remember children need consistency. If you keep becoming lax about your own rules, they will learn how to manipulate you.

Finally, do not try to bring up the children the way you were brought up. Their world is different. Take two-step forward into their world and they will be willing to take two- steps back.

For further specific discussion I am available for counseling for my clients across the world. Do get in touch with me or leave your remarks and feedback.