GUYS... ARE YOU REALLY MODERN? by Dr.sapna Sharma

Okay, I am not a feminist, but here’s one for the husbands and boyfriends.

DO you GIVE freedom to your partner?

Wait, I have another question - What is the need for you to GIVE her freedom? Is she not free herself?

We confidently claim to be the ‘modern’ generation. Our clothes and language and material choices do scream of modernity but, are we really modern? I mean in our thinking and approach towards life?

So if you are an exception, don’t take this personally.

When you fall for a girl, you have certain parameters in your mind. Interestingly most men wish for a modern woman. You wish for a wife whom you can proudly present to the society, with whom you can talk, who should be very attractive to you, she should be game for your definition of parties, and her attractive dressing sense is an added magnet for you to begin with. Her being educated is of course so very important for you.

Often once this alliance is formalized your vocabulary changes. What she should not wear, whom she should not talk to, how she should take care of the entire household whether she works equal hours as you or not. I often witness guys also telling their partner things like, “why did you laugh so much?” “How can you dance in front of so many?” “Sit down everyone if looking at you” “Why can't you dress up like everyone else?”

Then there are those “ultra modern” ones who believe it is their right to marry a girl of their choice in the modern world, but when their parents discuss dowry and huge expenses with the bride's family they simply back of saying, “I can't hurt my parents!!”

You like to decide what kind of place she should work in, that she should not be casual with her work colleagues, that she should have outings only with your friends, and then when she fights you say, “I GIVE you so much freedom to work and you don’t value that”.

Really? Can you imagine she saying this to you? Obviously not, because deep down the garb of modernity we are still the same. A man is FREE but a woman needs to be GIVEN FREEDOM.

Reality check guys: What is your normal vocabulary:

1. I let her work OR It is her choice whether to work or not

2. I let her follow her passion OR She is very passionate about her hobby

3. Our family gives her full freedom OR In our family, we all have a right to choose

4. I give her permission to be with her friends till late OR She loves to have a great time with her friend.

5. She works but kitchen is her domain OR We share housework too.

No need to share your answers with anyone, but certainly time to think.

Till the time your vocabulary is not free of: I GIVE HER FREEDOM, you are not modernized yet- Look for a partner who can match your thinking and can be the obedient wife you actually need. Believe me, life would be so much simpler.

(Another one would follow for the girls soon)

Lets Go...by Dr.Sapna Sharma

We want to be happy and we want to live in peace but we keep holding on to the very things and people that are causing us the pain and hurt. Learning to identify those things that bind us to our pain and letting them go is the spiritual and practical way of living a happy and peaceful life.

Watch this...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DksrR1GdYQs

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/let-go-dr-sapna-sharma?trk=pulse_spock-articles

HAVE STRESS? –SHARE IT!

We all siblings would create some issue or other for our parents to handle. Of course, we didn’t mean it that way. We just thought we were very smart!! To our parents, that would simply spell as Trouble with a capital ‘T’. But my father would often discuss those issues with people around- friends, family, colleagues. Frankly to me it simply meant embarrassment. “Why can’t he keep the family matters to the family?” but he grew stronger every day.

Years later as I sit in my office counselling distressed families and couples and parents, one thing that strikes me is that they all want their troubles and problems to be buried inside my chamber. Often I hear this, “We don’t share our problems with anyone. They would only make fun of my child… anyway my brother in law thinks very high of himself”

 

 No wonder we are stressed and under tremendous pressure to appear good and ideal in every way. We can’t share. As a generation, we are obsessed with creating an ideal pictures of us and our families. A task that is almost next to impossible. We would have flaws till such time that we are still humans. But we do not wish to accept that.

 I meet beautiful looking people, some with wealth overflowing and others with degrees and certificates that cannot be accommodated on one wall. And they are stressed. Almost breaking inside every moment in a desperate attempt to hold their masks of ‘perfection’ in place. They fight among themselves and abuse their challenging children but then they put on their masks with wide smiles to the outside world. We show this photo-shopped picture to not just the random world but to our closest family and friends. We cannot accept that things can be wrong with us.

 We as a generation are expending huge energy on hiding our pain and trying to prove to the world that there is nothing wrong with us. Hence we can’t even ask for solutions. Try sharing for once. Try asking for help. You may not get an immediate solution but the moment you share half your burden is taken care of. You may cry while sharing and that takes care of some more of your stress. And now you have one more head and 2 more hands to help sort out your troubles. If not anything there is one place you can be yourself, not pretend to be perfect and enjoy a genuine smile or tear.

Life would continue to offer challenges, children would fall in love and spouses would cheat. Bosses may be partial and we might be cheated on. But that is life. Why feel ashamed? You are not the only on in this world to face it. Try sharing and you would be better equipped to face it without unnecessary stress of pretending to be perfect.

Appreciation Therapy by Dr.Sapna Sharma

APPRECIATION THERAPY- By Dr. SAPNA SHARMA

Please do SHARE if you believe it can help someone.

Did anyone ever say to you, “You are the best!” or something similar? I can bet that the very thought of that memory, even if it had happened years back, would bring sparkle to your eyes and warmth in your heart.

That is the magic of appreciation. Two words, just two are enough. “Hi beautiful” said even by a stranger makes the day. We know it. We have all experienced it. Doesn’t matter what the praise is about but the feeling is same- simply great. We want to believe every word said in our praise. We know we all crave for this feeling of being praised. Why else do we keep checking back for comments ever few minutes when we post anything on the social media?

We know it. We want it and we use it to encourage people or to impress them in formal settings. And yet we are so stingy when it comes to giving out praises to our friends and family. In fact we find every reason not to do it.

When I was growing up the adult Buzz- word was: “Don’t praise the children or you will spoil them!!”  And boy! Did they follow it to the hilt!! I grew up believing there was nothing good about me. And trust me- that hurts!!

You know it of course. And yet it is so difficult to appreciate those who are really dependent on us for their dose of praise! Interestingly most of us find it rather awkward to say good things to people close to us. Things like ‘I love you’, ‘you are so handsome’,  ‘you are the best child a parent could have’ and more find place only in a very few households. Rest of us believe that such things are not be expressed only experienced especially by the close ones.

If that is so then why do we express our anger and our disapproval so often and in so many words too? We can even justify some of our physical and mental violence under the pretext of “they deserve it”. What surprises me is that those bad words said with real rage, that hysterical shouting, those emotional neglects…all those really bad things we do so very easily and so frequently but are so very shy even to tell our spouse simple words like, “I love you, you are the best.”

There is magic in appreciation. We expect great relationships, loyal partners and obedient loving children. We get them things that money can buy and spend our days and nights to earn for that, but we do not make efforts to consciously think what wonders a few words can do. Often I meet people who make no efforts to say those few inexpensive words even when their partners tell them so directly and beg them to do so. They brush it away with, “these are all so cheap, superficial things”. Parents reprimand their children for not being confident, bosses chastise employees, but find it so difficult to engage in systematic appreciation routine to raise their self-esteem. And then if your need  appreciation, how are they different from you?

All it needs is a desire to genuinely see your loved ones happy and confident. It is easy, most inexpensive way to relationships of love, harmony and loyalty. Do try it!

Dr. Sapna Sharma

Spiritual Counselor, Life Coach, Author & Speaker

सकाळ १६- नाती- कर्मसंचय — आणि आध्यात्म Please SHARE if you believe it can help some one

सकाळ १६- नाती- कर्मसंचय — आणि आध्यात्म Please SHARE if you believe it can help some one

“डॉकटर मला घटस्फोट घ्यायचा आहे, पण माझा नवरा माझ्या कर्मामुळे मला मिळाला आहे. सगळे म्हणतात जर ह्या जन्मी मी त्याला सोडले तर पुढच्या जन्मी परत मला कर्म पूर्ण करायला.

त्याच्या सोबतच याव लागेल. त्या पेक्षा आता जसं आहे तसं निभावून घे. पण त्याच्या सोबत राहणं खरंच कठीण आहे. सारखा भांडतो, मारतोही, मुलांच्या समोर अपमान करतो.”

इतक्यात अश्याच ४-५ कहाण्या ऐकण्यात आल्या. वर्षानु वर्ष एक ना अनेक कारणांनी चुकीच्या लग्न संबंधात अडकलेल्या जोडप्याना एकत्र ठेवण्याचे समाजाचे आणखी एक कारण मला आश्यर्यचकित करून गेले. म्हणजे आता लोकांना आध्यात्मा बद्दल जागरूकता येऊ लागल्या मुळे आध्यात्माचाही वापर करायला आपण पुढे मागे पाहात नाही. गम्मतच आहे खरी.

नाती तुटायला नको हे खरं. त्यासाठी पूर्णपणे प्रयत्न करणे हि गरजेचं आहे. पण त्याही नंतर जर एक किंवा दोघे सतत अतिशय दुःखी असतील तर काय करायला हवे? शारीरिक आणि मानसिक प्रताडणेतच जगावे असा अलिखित फर्मान का आहे आपल्या समाजात? आणि त्याला पाठींबा म्हणून आपण अध्यात्म आणि देवाच्या नावाखाली दडपण आणायला आणि भय दाखवायलाही कमी करत नाही!

कर्माचं चक्र आहे. पण ते आपल्या गतीने फिरत आहे. बायकोला मारणारा नवराही कर्म संचय करतोच आहे ना? मग त्याला ह्या पासून वाचवायला त्याच्या पत्नीला त्याच्यापासून दूर जायचा सल्ला कुणी का देत नाही? पत्नीने मार खात तिथेच राहायचं ह्यात कुठलं अध्यात्म आहे?

मनुष्य धर्माचं पहिलं कर्तव्य- मिळालेलं आयुष्य प्रेम, आनंद आणि आंतरिक शातंतेत व्यतीत करावं. त्याच वेळी कुणाला आपल्यामुळे त्रास होऊ नये हे जितकं महत्वाचं आहे तितकंच हे हि महत्वाचं आहे कि परमात्म्याचे देणे असलेल्या आपल्या ह्या शरीराला आणि मनालाहि विनाकारण इजा होऊ नये. तसे झाल्यास तो हि निर्मात्याचा अपमानच आहे.

कर्माचं चक्र चालताच राहणार. ते आपल्या हातात नाही .कशाचा कसा हिशेब होणार आहे ते समजण्याची आमची पातळी नाही. आपले लक्ष प्रेम, आनंद आणि आंतरिक शांततेकडे केंद्रित असायला हवे. कुणाला इजा करू नये, पण विनाकारण इजा करून हि घेऊ नये.

नाती आपल्या आत्म्याच्या प्रगतीसाठी असतात. त्या प्रगतीला मदत होईल असे लोक आपल्या आयुष्यात येतात. प्रेम आणि शांतता कायम ठेवण्याचा प्रयत्न प्रत्येकाने करावा. पण जिथे दोघेही बदलायला आणि एकमेकांची काळजी घ्यायला तयार नसतील तिथे त्या दुःखातून मिळालेले धडे जमा करावे आणि त्यासाठी त्या व्यक्तीला आणि परमेश्वराला धन्यवाद देऊन आयुष्यात पुढे जावे.

अध्यात्मा मध्ये शिक्षा, सूड, अश्या नकारात्मक भावनांना जागा नाही. कर्माचे चक्र हि आत्म्याच्या प्रगती साठीच. जीवन सुंदर आणि सकारात्मकरित्या जगायला अध्यात्मिक संकल्पना समजायला हवी. कधी कधी नाती जुळतात पण जमत नाही. पण नातं जोडलं म्हणून अगदी रोज भांडून, छळ सहन करूनही ते नातं निभवायचंच असं कुठल्या ग्रंथात म्हंटले आहे? एक मेकांना सांभाळुन जगायचा प्रयत्न करावा. पण प्रयत्ना अंतीही ते शक्य नसेल तर एक मेकांना प्रेमाने आशीर्वाद देऊन, आयुष्यात मिळालेल्या अमूल्य शिकवणी साठी नतमस्तक होऊन, पुढची वाट शोधावी.

FAILURE: The human side of the story By Dr.Sapna Sharma

FAILURE: The human side of the story

This is funny. We rush and run and then we run some more. We push and shove and shame and defeat. Then there are the lies and the shortcuts that are the snakes in our cupboard. All for that one thing called as “Success”. It is important and hence we are trained for it.

But what is success? Ask this and wait for all the philosophical answers that you can tolerate. Then ask again “What is success?” And keep on asking till you get the one universal definition that rules the world- “ Success is doing better, having better, earning better, vacationing better,spending capacity better than… better than?... better than XYZ…”

I want to stop sometimes, I want to focus on other things that seem to be more important for me- peace, contentment, happiness, companionship, adventure… but it seems that I have been programmed to be in the race and try to be better… they say it is called “SUCCESS”.

And so when I go by this definition of success another definition automatically springs up as a corollary, “If you are not successful – you are a failure” and that is when it hurts. Stand- alone, ‘failure’ may not be so poisonous but it is given to us as an OPPOSITE of success. Thus it becomes a double- edged sword. It hurts further because while the whole system was teaching me how to succeed none ever guided me towards how to deal with failures… for that matter this ‘F’ word was never as much uttered except in utter disgust and contempt. While the parameters of success were being glorified at every stage failure, had no definite destination …it was presumed to be there every time success eluded us.

However, notable fact is that ‘failure’ does not have the same devastating effect on all and some others keep on growing leaps and bounds as if they have never experienced ‘failure’. Well we know they have because none is ever spared of failures. Yet some triumph while others remain ordinary and are often seen sighting their ‘unfortunate’ failures.

Also it can be observed that Adult “failure” is many fold more dangerous and destructive than its juvenile counterpart. Simply because in early life the stakes were mostly material – rank or no rank, prize or no prize, celebration or no… you get the drift…Hence the hurt was mostly short lived. But adult failure is much more beyond what appears- it is not about the promotion, the money the project success or the incentives- it is about the most sensitive parameters of all- SELF ESTEEM.

Now failure is actually a simple phenomenon where one is not able to achieve or perform what one is supposed to or expected to. Examine the statement again. It makes this whole business of ‘failure’ so innocent. But add one small dose of ‘low self- esteem’ to it and the whole thing becomes at once complicated. The difference between the failure of a self- assured person and that of a person with low or negative self- esteem is huge.

*A self -assured person would*:

Ø  Not take the failure personally.

Ø  He would be able to put it in the context of the time and circumstances.

Ø  He would evaluate and be ready for a second try with new strategies and renewed confidence.

Ø  For them the failure is just the other side of the coin of success.

On the other hand a person with low self- esteem would:

Ø  Look at failure as personal sin, it would incite in him the feelings of guilt, shame, anger, revenge etc.

Ø  He would be looking for a scape-goat to put it on.

Ø  He may either try to shy away from the whole project in question or create such an environment that others would take it away from him.

Ø  He would most probably never accept his share of responsibility for the failure and hence the question of learning from the failure and the prospect of analysis and enthusiastic re start is almost negligible.

Ø  He can even be aggressive and spiteful just so to detach attention from the feeling of having failed.

Ø  Such a person often live in stress and is known to shirk responsibilities of change and start up as they are afraid of failure.

Ø  He usually has negative attitude towards anything new or different and would often discourage boss and colleagues from taking it up.

When observed and understood from this perspective it is obvious that:

Ø  Failure is not an absolute phenomenon.

Ø  The responses to failure are of bigger concern than the failure itself.

Ø  Individuals may respond differently to the same failure depending upon their confidence and self-esteem.

Ø  Individuals with low self- esteem can create cascading negativity from even a small or innocent failure.

Ø  Self- confident, self-assured individuals can create failures into learning opportunities and use them for higher performance.

*In Conclusion*:

To ensure minimal damages due to failure of projects and processes and relationships it is important to:

Ø  Work on creating positive and mutually supportive work and home environment.

Ø  Create a custom of ‘TIME OUT’ where in each person compulsorily spends quite time with self minus any gadgets- this encourages introspection.

Ø  Invest in raising the self- esteem of people by regular and result oriented behavioral trainings and counseling services.

Ø  Give opportunities to employees and family members to keep learning and enhancing their personal qualifications and skills in order to boost their self-esteem.

Ø  Encourage Mentorship, Coaching and Counseling.

There is a need to remove the fear and contempt from the work ‘failure’ and accept it as a happening on the way to anything. It is the people who are important and they need to be helped and guided rather than judged and ridiculed. 

*DR. SAPNA SHARMA*